What's going on with the ECIP forms

An update--Heidi and Carri will be working with Prachee from the District Office in the immediate future to get the ball rolling on producing the ECIP scan forms/bubble sheets. My hope remains that you will have the forms before Thanksgiving break but that may not be accomplish-able (is that a word?) Thanks for your patience. This is truly a situation where, on so many levels, the best laid plans were circumvented by life intervening. We'll get there.

Pearl #7: Embrace a New Normal

Image courtesy of sxc.hu user bmcent1

Okay, okay, I know it's been a while since the last pearl. What can I say? Life gets busy...which brings me to a new thought.

I have a very distinct memory from when Luke was a little baby. I'd been in that postnatal fog, where I felt like couldn't do anything or get anything done. Not that I was experiencing postpartum depression or anything - it was just that making dinner seemed like an insurmountable task. Marty would come home and look at the piles of dishes and laundry, etc. and be like, "So...what did you do today?" And I would just kind of shake my head and be like, "Um, I don't know. I held the baby. I kissed him, like, a thousand times." Anyway, sometime amid this fog, Marty and I were crawling exhaustedly into bed and I reached under the pillow and found...a diaper. A dirty diaper. Not a poopy one, but definitely one that had been used. I remember looking at him and saying, "When we were dating, I didn't think this is what it would come to." The real question I was asking was, "When are we going to get back to normal?" And the answer I've come up with (albeit a year and a half later) is that we're not.

I think that no matter which phase of life you're in with your kids, there is no "getting back to normal" - there's only adjusting and figuring out what the "new normal" is. And I think a big part of embracing your "new normal" involves actively trying to forget some of the parts of your life that came before in favor of finding joy in the new parts. I've pretty much forgotten what it was like to sleep in on Saturday mornings then not worry about what anyone felt like eating until noon or so. But there's joy in the new normal of groggily going to get Luke, then letting him watch cartoons in bed with us while we doze in and out for 20 minutes, before getting up to make pancakes. At 7:15 on a Saturday morning, of course, but still...

There are seminal moments in your life that stick with you forever. The birth mornings and afternoons of my four children are definitely among those. I can recall just about everything involved in every sensory mode.

A true seminal moment was the realization that although Dan and I had these grandiose plans about how the addition of a baby wouldn't change things that much, Molly meant the new normal had arrived.

We were sitting at the kitchen table, eating what was a typical Friday night dinner--tuna garbage (most families have a variation of same: open can of tuna, add whatever, eat hot or cold). Dan was in his spot, I was in mine. He was drinking a glass of milk, I had a Diet Pepsi. "Name That Tune" was the 6:30 p.m. game show on television. I had changed into comfy clothes from whatever else I had been wearing that day. I was exhausted, the type of exhaustion that accompanied teaching high school kids and coaching volleyball after school all week, a familiar sensation slowly being replaced with the thought that this was TGIF, tomorrow was Saturday, I could sleep in.

And then from her spot in her bouncy chair on the floor, 8 day old Molly began to cry.

It was as if someone literally poured a bucket of cold water on my head. I wasn't exhausted because I had been at school all week. I was running on fumes because I had spent the week learning myself, learning how to be a mother, and the learning was only beginning and Molly wasn't going anywhere, she didn't get on the school bus and go home on Friday afternoon, she was here for THE REST OF MY LIFE and I couldn't sleep in on Saturday morning, in fact, I couldn't sleep through the night!

Thirty two years, three more children and a delightful daughter-in-law later (Tom...Toby's wife, Kitty, who has not requested an alias for this blog), what a fabulous, amazing, unpredictable ride it's been. Even as an empty nest-er, I'm waiting for it to become normal--and I have to say, I'm kind of glad it hasn't.

So when have you hit a new normal? How did you deal with it? Have you forgotten parts of your old life, or have you managed to incorporate them into your new life? Leave us a comment, or take our survey now.

Looking for some Pearls--from you!

So far this blog has looked at a variety of parenting issues. We think it's time to hear from you about two important topics. 1. What Pearls of Wisdom do you have that you'd like to share with other parents? 2. What issues would you like to see us tackle in upcoming blogs? Take the survey now!

What does the survey say: Arrest the Parents

Thanks to the 7 of you who took the survey!
Here's what you had to say...

You were almost evenly split about whether parents should be held responsible for underage drinking in their home.
57% of you said: Yes
43% of you said: No.
"My views are different for legal and social responsibility. Yes to social, no to legal responsibility."
"Please do not supply alcohol to minors."

86% of you said you do not agree with supplying alcohol in the home to limit potential danger to teenagers.
14% of you said you agree with this.
"Yes, but in relatively limited circumstances."
"No alcohol to minors."

86% of you said it is not okay for parents who don't supply the alcohol to subtly condone the behavior by "looking the other way?"
14% of you said it is.
"But they should be clear that's what they are doing."
"No it's the law and your children should not drink with your permission."
"But this is really, really, REALLY hard to do when you don't allow consumption in your home and you know your kids are allowed to drink in their friends' homes."

These are the consequences you say teenagers should face for underage consumption:
"Under current legal situation, they have to deal with consequences. In an ideal legal world, this would not be a legal matter. Families should deal with inappropriate drinking as the circumstances indicate."
"Driver's license or permit revoked and not be able to drive until a specific time in the future." "I don't know...but it shouldn't be pleasant."
"Discussion, limiting of privileges but NOT revoking extracurricular such as sports. We need them to be more occupied, not less."
"Counseling."
"Parents should have deep consequences for this behavior."
"Honestly I think tying alcohol consumption into participation in school activities is stupid. If they break the law, they should receive those consequences."

Have you ever supplied alcohol to your underage teens?
86% said absolutely not.
14% said yes on special occasions.
"I haven't had to make this decision yet but have provided it for underage college students (cousins, teammates, etc.)."
"No alcohol for teens."

If your children are yet teens, how do you think you will handle this issue?
80% said you will not allow drinking in your home.
20% of you wonder if you and your spouse will agree on this issue.

How do you view other parents who allow teenagers to consume alcohol in their homes? What do you say to parents whose views differ from your own?
"Depends entirely on circumstances. Unsupervised binges - no. Wine with dinner, OK."
"In your home, you need to be aware (to the extent possible) about what is happening in your house. If a parent lets teens drink, I would like to know so I can make a decision regarding my position and not have my child go to their house."
"If you allow your kids to drink underage you are saying it is okay to break the law... I think more people should get inside the box..."
"I worry that the "friend" factor comes into play more than the responsibility of making tough decisions or enforcing unpopular limits."
"They are probably insecure and want to be their child's "friend" rather than parent."
"If it is illegal, immoral, unhealthy, or too risky it should not be done. One of my friends had that as a motto in their home."
"In this litigious society, you are playing with fire by allowing underage consumption."

Some additional resources you might want to check out:
Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) by Foster Cline and Jim Fay; Positive Discipline for Teenagers by Jane Nelsen Ed.D. and Lynn Lott; Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens by Laura S Kastner Ph.D. and Jennifer Wyatt; A Parent's Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Your Child Roots and Wings (American Academy of Pediatrics) by Kenneth R. Ginsburg

"Arrest the Parents" Survey

Please take the "Arrest the Parents" survey by Sunday, October 4. Thanks!

Parenting Pearl #6: "Arrest the Parents"

Jeanie Smith, blog author Marcy's mother, and Mary

Recently my local public radio station's Question of the Day was: Should parents be held responsible if guests of their kids drink?

So this got me to wondering--how much parental responsibility are we (as a society) willing to legislate? As a Licensed Parent Educator, I know that it is infinitely easier to sit around a table with other parents, drinking coffee, and talk about what to do in challenging situations than to be in the heat of the moment and follow through on what you said you were going to do earlier in the day. Along my own parenting journey, I learned that it was absolutely futile to worry about what the 'other' parents were doing and hope that would change in support of what I thought was the right way to handle a situation. My husband and I finally settled on, "In our house, we..." I'd like to tell you that made all those brutally tough circumstances easier in that the kids got it when I'd say, "In our house, we enforce a curfew" and that their response was, "Yes, of course in our house we enforce a curfew. Thank you! A lesson in life learning! Where would I be without you to enforce this curfew? As a matter of fact, how about if I come home earlier than the curfew, Mother Dearest?"

It wasn't.

Back to the drinking issue. Ours was not the home where the teenagers gathered. As Maggie once told me when I tried to convince her to bring her friends to our house after a high school dance, "You have rules." It was really hard to know that my kids were going to homes where the rules were decidedly more lenient, if there were rules. Or that the rules were along the lines of, "Naturally we take the kids' keys so they can't drink and drive." Or, "We supply the alcohol so we can limit the amount they consume." Spoken with all the sincerity of one who truly believed this was the right thing to do.

Common sense looks different to different people. So much goes into its formation, shaping, adjustment. But when society has established a rule of law, i.e. drinking is illegal until you are 21, should society then legislate "common sense?"

This is such an interesting topic, because it's one that I can honestly see both sides of. Obviously, I'm a lot of years, like at least 4, away from dealing with this particular issue. But I can see that down the line, parents have to figure out where they stand on this one.

I have friends and acquaintances who fall down on the lenient side here. They provide the place for the underage partying to happen so they can "keep an eye on things."And there is some validity to that argument, I guess. When I think about how scary it is to imagine my child drinking, then getting in a car and driving around for fun, I can see why parents want to buy the booze and keep the kids at home. At least that way, you limit the things that can go seriously, majorly wrong.

Myself, though, I think there's just a bit more validity to the stricter side of this debate. I have two major reasons for this opinion. The first is purely logistical. My husband and I are both educators. If ours is the house that supplies alcohol to underage kids, we're in danger of losing our jobs and our entire careers, not to mention creating a local scandal and giving our respective school districts really bad images. The second is philosophical. The law is the law, and I think it's important to teach my children that you don't get a lot of leeway in how you choose to follow it. Clearly, there are people who have broken the law for really good reasons and part of teaching moral character is learning when the law is simply wrong. But, c'mon, giving 17-year-olds beer doesn't make you Rosa Parks.

Where do you all stand on this one? Do we hold the parents responsible? And what is the responsible thing to do in these types of situations? We love to hear your feedback! Leave us a comment or take the survey right now.

What does the survey say: Learning to Lose

Thanks to the 10 of you who took the survey! Here's what you had to say:

Characterizing how our family is approaching winning and losing, we are:
50% of you said you are emphasizing that winning is important and learning how to accept losing is important.
50% of you said you are putting little or no emphasis on winning and/or losing, emphasizing instead what is learned through playing the game.
"It depends a lot of why you play; it's OK to have some things be for fun and other activities more serious."
"Interesting choices! Hmmm. We aren't a sportsy family (except for child #4) and are not especially athletically gifted, but competition is there in other areas. I think winning is important, but not at the expense of fair play and not at the expense of the "community" of the family."
"It doesn't matter how much you try to not emphasize winning and losing, the fact is that once kids reach the age of 3 or 4 they know about winning and losing and by 5 just try to tell them no one won or lost."
"Emphasizing that winning feels good, and is a goal but knowing how to lose without a meltdown is much, much more important."
"Not that winning isn't important but we try to put winning in context."

When asked how would you describe your personal attitude toward being a winner and being a loser...
10% said: Win at all costs. Nothing is more important than winning.
40% said: Children who are raised to accept losing will be more successful in their lives than children who are raised being encouraged primarily to win.
54% said: It's how you "play the game" that counts.
"The more different activities you have, the more losses you encounter. But for some people, the variety is important."
"..but my husband loves to point out that playing the game should be fun, but it's more fun when you win."

When asked if you ever let your child beat you in a game or activity...
100% of you said yes.
"Probably. Bedtime had to come."
"Doesn't everyone at some time do this?"
"Answering yes even though I haven't. But that's only because he's too young to get competition yet."

How often do you let your child win?
30% of you said about half the time
70% of you said only occasionally
. . . and not often.
"Less frequently as the kids grew up. Now, they just regularly beat me even when I'm really, really trying!"
"As they get older games are played by the rules and whoever wins wins and if you lose you say good game. If you can't be a gracious loser game time is all done." "I think this is where I'll end up, but time will tell!"
"When he was younger, I let him win most of the time. Now that he is a little older, I try my best to win, but many times he wins fair and square. If we're playing a game that is new to him, I may back off a bit to give him an edge until he understands the game better."
"When it was time for the game to be over..."

What types of activities or games do you let your child win?
40% of you said contests.
50% of you said sports activities.
80% of you said board games.
Other included: guessing games; races; shoe-tying, races to the potty, who can get the coat on fastest - "I think it's okay to throw those activities."

Why do you let your child win? Why do you let your child lose?
"Interesting difference between private wins/losses - where just the two of you know - and public results, where the factors in #7 may apply."
"Winning's fun and I think experiencing that is important. Little kids just don't have the physical or mental juice to win when the playing field is truly even. But kids also have to learn to lose. I'm a big believer that the most important lessons in life are learned when we lose."
"Doesn't feel great, but we do learn. If it was the first time they tried a game and I thought they would enjoy it, I might lose to encourage them to continue trying. The second time at the game, I might not let them win."
"When just learning a game I like to let them be successful at first. As we play more often, I like to let them experience both winning and losing so we can practice handling both situations."
"Win to help his confidence - lose to help him learn humility and sportsmanship. It hasn't been my own kid yet, but rather the kids I used to babysit. I let them win because they were often poor losers and I didn't feel I had the skills to teach them that important lesson over a game of Candyland. Plus, in the case of one child, my self-esteem could take the blow, hers seemed too fragile."
"Let them win to feel the excitement & know why winning is a good goal to have. I let them lose to learn to do so graciously, to know that you don't always win at everything and in the particular case of my son to teach humility (a lot of things come very easily to him & he's extremely competitive) I try to balance it out - if I let him win (or lose) all the time, it wouldn't be any fun for either of us."
"So that he can feel what it is like to win too! Otherwise, he gets discouraged if he NEVER wins."
"Mostly expediency for me, to be honest."

What are you concerned about when it comes to the possibility of your child "losing?"
10% of you said: how other children will perceive my child; my child's friendships; my child's social status
20% of you said: how other parents will perceive my child; my child will be subject to name calling; my child will be subject to bullying
60% of you said: my child's self-esteem
70% of you said: the impact of the loss on future endeavors (influencing my child's desire to continue trying this or other activities, games, etc.)

"Losing teaches important lessons, but those lessons need to be put in a positive context. That's our job as parents."
"I don't really have any concerns about losing. Just want him to feel that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. All you can do is try your best and learn from the experience. Practice, practice practice."

Other resources you might want to look at include: Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids: Dealing With Competition While Raising a Successful Child by Wendy S. Grolnick and Kathy Seal; True Competition:Guide to Pursuing Excellence in Sport & Society by David Light Shields and Brenda Light Bredemeier; Emily Post's The Guide to Good Manners for Kids by Cindy Post Senning, Peggy Post, and Steve Bjorkman

Final call for the survey on "Learning to Lose"

FINAL CALL! Please take the survey on "Learning to Lose" by Sunday, September 20. Thanks for your great ideas and responses!

Pearl #5: Teach Your Children to Lose... Without Being Losers

Learning to be a gracious winner is important, but I think learning to be a gracious loser is far more so. Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that you adopt the Black Sox as childhood heroes or anything, but kids need to realize that, while setting high expectations is a good thing, they're sometimes going to come up short. And that shouldn't be a crippling blow.

I heard Arlene DeVries, a wonderful parenting speaker, present on this topic once. Her larger topic was Parenting the Gifted Child, which I'm sure applies to everyone else, but you'll have to forgive me for overgeneralizing to my child. The truth is, so much of what she said is just good, sound advice for any kid. One of her messages was the importance of having family game nights, during which you should (gasp!) not always let your child beat you at said game. Learning that they don't always win the game is a good social skill - it will help them as they figure out how to play nicely with friends, and it will help them later in life as they begin to set goals and sometimes, unfortunately, don't achieve them and need to try again. We can all relate to the pain of losing out on something. For those of you slightly more athletically inclined than me, maybe you had a bad game, or simply faced a more skilled competitor, and didn't medal when you knew you really, truly had a shot. I remember the first time I didn't get a job that I knew I was qualified for and I really, really wanted. Sure it upset me. It made me mad, and it made me cry a bit, and I treated myself to a little pity party. But it didn't break me.

I know a child whose parents are the highly-driven, type-A style parents who take competition to a huge extreme. I often wonder what happens when his 95% isn't good enough, because his parents expect 100%. I wonder if he's headed for a complete meltdown when he gets to college and he's suddenly thrust into a much larger pond with so many smarter and more talented fish than he's accustomed to. I wonder if there's even any pure joy in the accomplishment of a new feat, or only the relief that that he didn't lose something he was expected to win.

DeVries, the speaker I heard, also linked this idea to two interesting tangents. After women's participation in college sports spiked due to Title IX, women's inclusion and achievements in the workplace started to follow suit. Not to say that there aren't other factors going on, but athletes regularly learn the lesson of losing, examining the shortfalls in a given performance, then coming back stronger than before. As those same female athletes entered the workforce, they learned that just because something was denied them once didn't mean they wouldn't achieve it in the future. You didn't get the promotion you wanted? Go back, examine your past performance, and step it up a notch so you can win the next round.

I like the idea of that being rooted in something as simple as a family game night. I will have family game night, when Luke is old enough to understand the concept. And I'm psyched because I'm pretty sure I'll be able to kick his 3-year-old butt at Scrabble.

Loved Marcy's comment about Luke being gifted. And she will kick his butt--and Luke's dad's--at Scrabble.
Kids can turn everything--and they often do--into a competition. Who can get to the car first? Who can eat the fastest? Who can kick the can the furthest? In fact, this is a good technique to use with children who are hesitant to cooperate: "Let's see who can put on their shoes the fastest, you or Mommy." Winner! And we all love to be winners, children and adults alike. Didn't you proudly share your child's Apgar score with everyone who would listen? Of course you did--I should put that in the survey :). No one wants to be labeled a loser, even seconds after birth.

On the other hand, and unfortunately youth sports has earned its poor reputation in this regard, as parents who love their children and don't want them to experience the hurt of losing sometimes go to the extreme to protect them. Perhaps you've been on the bleachers or sidelines when that has happened. It's uncomfortable for the bystanders yet seldom do bystanders step forward to stop the parents who are "out of control." The social dynamic is very interesting as is the culture surrounding youth sports. So the premise of teaching your child to lose without being a loser is not one that many parents can easily embrace.

I have to say, some of the best experiences in my children's lives have been ones where they failed. They looked to me and their dad for some loving and then to help them outline their options now that what they had wanted was no longer a possibility. Personally I think this has not only made them stronger internally but has finely tuned their empathy skills. Our parental job in those situations was to help them recognize the skills they did have that they could now call on. We reinforced that they were strong, capable and could, as the old song says, pick themselves up, dust themselves off and start all over again. Isn't that what each new day is for?

What do you think? Do you help your kid win because it hurts to watch them lose? Do you help them learn about how to lose graciously? Are we way off base? Leave us a comment, or take the survey now!

What does the survey say: putting up a united front

Thanks to the 6 of you who took the survey! Here's what you had to say about putting up a united front.

50% said they agreed with their spouse 80% of the time.
16% said they agreed with their spouse 70% of the time.
33% said they agreed with their spouse less than 50% of the time.

84% said they agreed with their spouse about health related issues.
66% said they agreed about safety issues.
50% said they agreed about schedules, routines and developmental expectations of their children.
33% said they agreed about discipline.

60% said they disagreed with their spouse about routines, discipline and developmental expectations of their children.
40% said they disagreed about schedules.
20% said they disagreed about health and safety issues.

These are the situations you find most challenging to support the differences of opinions:
"Issues with his own family"
"All areas we disagree on when not consulted; if one, safety"
"Discipline"
"Going to his family's functions"
"Bedtime routines (quiet book reading vs. TV watching)"
"Who comes first, the parent or the child"

Did you ever inadvertently undermine your spouse?
1 said no
1 said not applicable
"When saying to a child they can do something when the other parent said no. We try more to consult each other alone before speaking with the children."
"Asking to leave his parents house earlier than he wanted for bedtime."
"I'm sure I have, although I'm sure I don't want to remember the circumstances of being the guilty party..."
"My spouse had the habit of not following through with promises to the kids. Usually I would step in and "make it better" for him because I didn't want the kids to be disappointed. But once, out of frustration, I let my spouse fall and ratted him out to the disappointed child, telling him he needed to talk to his dad because it was Dad who hadn't brought home what he had promised. So my son called Dad, who asked to talk to me after my son talked to him. My spouse was really angry with me but I told him it was his problem and his issue to resolve, not mine. That did change things pretty much. My spouse was more trustworthy to the kids, which I think is really important in their relationship."

Good Parents Bad Parenting - How To Parent Together When Your Parenting Styles Are Worlds Apart by Lisa Dunning is a resource you might want to look at.

Just a plain old pearl you should know about: The 40 Developmental Assets for Children

I am privileged to work in a community that really values its children. And when you work in that community's school district, that's no small thing to say. St. Louis Park, Minnesota is a first ring western suburb of Minneapolis. For the third straight year, it has been named one of America's 100 Best Communities for Children. This spring, St. Louis Park High School was listed as the top high school in Minnesota, just barely below the nation's top 100 high schools, in Newsweek magazine.

Of course there are many contributing factors to the accolades but I do think a significant one is an initiative which began here in the spring of 1993. St. Louis Park began transforming how the community viewed its young people. Children First was born out of a partnership among the education, faith, city, health and business communities. The continuing focus of this partnership is to encourage everyone in the community to find ways that make sense to them to help in the healthy development of our infants, children and teens.What makes Children First different is

• It's a philosophy rather than a program.
• It focuses on positive character-building attributes, not negative, at-risk behavior.
• It targets all St. Louis Park youth, birth through 18 year-olds.
• It was founded by a partnership between the business, city, education, health and faith communities.
• It calls everyone to provide support for youth.

Community members do this by championing the Search Institute's 40 Developmental Assets with young people. You WILL want to click on the Search Institute to read about the assets and see how much sense this makes and how helpful it will be for you as a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, really anyone who at any time comes in contact with children.

And it's simple. All you have to do is ask yourself: How am I involved where I could make a difference in the lives of young people? And then do it. Smile at the next teenager you see in the mall. Say hello to one of the other babies you see on the playground. Spend a second to ask one of your children's friends, "How's it going?" No special equipment required.

We'd really love to hear from you how you institute this in your lives. Post a comment!

On a personal note--I had been meaning to write this plain old pearl for a while. Today I'm writing in honor of a real Asset Champion (see Children First link for more information), my dear friend and secretary, Marilyn Braaten, who passed away unexpectedly on Friday morning. She embodied absolutely everything that the philosophy of Children First stands for. All of us in St. Louis Park, and those who knew her in many places, are so much the richer for having had her build assets in our lives.

Putting Up a United Front Survey

Since we've had trouble getting the survey link active, we're going to extend the deadline for survey taking until Friday, September 4. Spread the word to others to check out the blog!

Still working on that survey!

I've heard you might be having trouble accessing the survey, so here's a link you can copy and paste into your browser. Hopefully that will help!

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=SsPwsZathYd10NPem1eY0g_3d_3d

Pearl #4: "You Have to Put Up a Unified Front": Being a Partner to Your Partner

Image courtesy of stock.xchng user gabivali

This is such a tricky one. I remember when I was pregnant with Luke sitting with my husband and talking about things we thought were important in parenting. I was telling him how strongly I felt that we act as a team, even when we don't necessarily agree with each other. That didn't come back to bite me in the ass until Luke was a whole 5 hours old, and the pediatrician at the hospital asked about the circumcision. I had previously told Marty that was his area and he could make the call about it, but as soon as I had this perfect, wonderful little baby in my arms, the idea that someone wanted to cut even a tiny little piece of him off was beyond unbearable. I just couldn't let them do it. I couldn't put him under the knife. So, we decided to wait a week or so.

The week passed and I wasn't able to do it. Then two months, then six. And the whole time, I'm hearing my obnoxiously optimistic words ringing in my head: "Even when we disagree, even when we feel strongly, we have to support each other." Yowch...

My whole point is, acting like a unified team is really, really hard and it takes conscious effort and COMMUNICATION. Sometimes it's the big decisions. It's sensing when your partner feels so strongly about something that you just have to give. Other times, it's remembering to compromise (even though you're sure your way is right). Often, it's a matter of biting your tongue and not snidely saying, "Of course you had chocolate cake for breakfast. Daddy was the breakfast parent today." (Confession - I'm the one who actually pulled that on vacation last week. Whoops...)

Kids sense really quickly how easy it is to play one parent against the other. When dad gives an answer they don't like, then mom offhandedly gives the opposite answer because she didn't bother to think what dad might have already said, kids realize they have the power to set you up into a good cop/bad cop routine. And it's not fair to the parent who always has to be the voice of reason, the eat-your-vegetables, take-your-bath, go-to-bed parent. Especially when the other parent always gets to be the wrestle-on-the-couch, go-out-for-ice-cream, stay-up-and-watch-a-movie parent.

And if it's hard for two parents living in the same house to remember to stay on the same page, how hard is it for separated parents living apart? I have huge admiration for divorced parents who are able to put their own anger, hurt, and bad feelings aside and focus on the common task of raising a child(ren) that they share. I've seen so many sad cases where parents can't even be in the same room for their kids' band concerts, school plays, graduations, and even weddings. But there are tons of divorced parents and stepparents out there making it work, if not seamlessly, then at least smoothly. Upholding the same rules and the same consequences for breaking them. Jointly deciding on privileges to be earned and the criteria to earn them. Wow - what a feat that is.

Wow! Talk about tackling the big, GIGANTIC issues head on. Let me first don my "Licensed Parent Educator" hat. Consistency is key for children of all ages. I often taught about the value of having routine within a circle of flexibility. Regardless of how hard you try, no two situations are going to be the same. So while you can easily discuss away from the situation how you are, as a team, going to act and react, reality as we know can be quite challenging. As Marcy said, it's one thing to "chat" teamwork, it's quite another in execution.

Be that as it may, let's focus on what's in the best interest of the children. Their eyes are trained upon you. They literally drink in what you do, how you do it, what you say, your body language...it's kind of overwhelming, isn't it? (My son, Tom, er, TOBY, used to tell me that I didn't have to say anything when he was sharing some tidbit that was upsetting. My facial expression spoke volumes.) So you can't hide under "the kids don't get it" or "they're not aware" when you disagree on issues. They do.

You're not always going to see everything the same way, nor should you. Healthy, open, respectful communication about your disagreements can lead to a place where you both will find some level of agreement. This is extremely important to model to your children as they will leave your home (someday, the heavens willing) imprinted with how people who love each other--and love them--deal with conflict (important, I think, for divorced parents to consider.).

I will come down on this side of the fence: on the "big ticket" items, like discipline, values, faith, you should work toward agreement and then commit to your family that you will try your very best every time to follow this promise. Routines, like Marcy's example of the breakfast parent? Go back to routine within a circle of flexibility. Barbara Coloroso (www.kidsareworthit.com) asks us to consider: "If it works and it leaves both of our dignity intact, do it."

On those moments when my husband didn't do what I wanted him to do (and there were more than a few over the 31 + years that we've been parents), I wasn't happy. It took a lot of work and support to get me to a place where I finally realized he wasn't doing those things on purpose just to get my goat. Just like me, he was doing the best he could every day. Now there were a few things I drew a line at and we had to work on those over and over and over again. And to my surprise, lo and behold, there were some things I was doing that he wanted to talk with me about, too! Such is the institution of marriage and the family.

So what do you think? Leave us a comment or take our survey.

What does the survey say...bribery works

Thanks to the 8 of you who took the survey! Here's what the results say about whether or not bribery works.

Only 1 of you said you have never made a deal with or bribed your child, grandchild, etc. to get him/her to do what you wanted him/her to do.

In what situations do you use bribery?
"To finish what is on her plate, to get out of the bath, to xyz we'll say she can then have an ice lolly/lollipop/tootsie roll. Most often it's: once you've finished your food we can go do xyz."

"In situations where a child needs to complete a less desirable task & there is no apparent natural consequence, or the natural consequence is unsafe and/or impractical for the moment. I use "bribes" that involve increased time and pleasurable activities or events, rather than physical rewards."

"Eating dinner to get dessert - which was how I was raised."

"Not really any, only when there is no time to wait out the tantrum."

"Store behavior."

"Primarily when I wanted my child to do something that s/he really wasn't interested in doing."

"Eating, pottying, going, leaving, you name it!"

"Eating, behaving in a certain situation or location."

This was a multiple response question, looking for the kinds of things you use as bribes. In order of their popularity, they are:
Food
Going to the park or other enjoyable place
Additional time with Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, etc
Treats reseved for special situations
A special something purchased at the store we're trying to get out of
A story
Getting to watch a favorite TV show, DVD, etc.
Getting to do things himself

How much are you finding yourself using this technique?
50% said infrequently, less than once a week
37.5% said frequently, multiple times a week
12.5% said only in special circumstances

Have you ever offered this advice to another person?
75% said no
12.5% said to a friend
12.5% said to a relative

50% of you answered this survey as a mother
25% as a relative of a child
25% as someone who cares about children.

What's a parent to do? Some well-regarded resources on this topic include: Product How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too and How to Behave So Your Preschooler Will, Too! by Sal Severe; Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery by Judy Arnall; Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
It seems to me that when I used bribery or dealing with my kids, the focus was on me. It was on what I wanted--or needed-- to have happen. The signals I was reading were mine. "Just five more minutes talking to Grandma and then we can go to the park." "Leave your sister alone and we'll go to the Dairy Queen tonight." You get the picture. A penultimate parenting moment for me was reading the book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I still describe this book as my parenting bible. One of the key concepts in the book is helping children (and, I'll add, parents) differentiate between needs and wants. In today's societal turn toward overindulging children, this is, in my opinion, critical. Your child may want to whack their sibling because they're angry, tired, frustrated, etc. but they don't really need to. It's up to the parent/caregiver to read the child's signals and help them figure out what they need. It's also the adult responsibility to redirect the child. As the Rolling Stones told us, you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.

Parenting Pearl #3: "Bribery works."

To be clear, I'm not referring to negotiating or offering choices here. For those of you "of a certain age," as the French would say, this is along the lines of the old game show, "Let's Make A Deal." In fact, today I overheard a parent say to one of her children, "I'll make a deal with you." Usually dealing--or it's less savory referent, bribery--is first used as a last resort. You have tried all the 'good' parenting techniques you have but alas, your darling child(ren) is not responding. The problem here, I learned over the years, is that while you have read the parenting books and consulted the experts, your children haven't. They're operating off what their reflexes tell them. And for the most part, very few of us, adults included, are agreeable to not getting our own way. So, parenting back against the wall, you bribe. "If you come with Mommy, I'll get you a popsicle." "Give Daddy the book and we can play with your toys." Over the years, I've heard this referred to as the When...Then Rule or Grandma's Rule. When your child does X, then they will be rewarded with Y. Often it works. Anything that works tends to become part of your parenting repertoire. There are a couple problems here. Sometimes X is not a behavior that is out of the ordinary. It's a behavior you'd like to see your child do regularly, routinely--and without making a deal. (Sorry, Monty Hall). Short term behaviors can lead to long term behaviors. Just think about having a teenager who is accustomed to working the system in order to get his/her own way. But I do hear many parents say they use dealing because of its effectiveness. On a personal note, my son, Tom, has said that he would prefer I not write about his transgressions as a child on this blog. Heretofore, he has asked to be referred to as Toby.

Bribery does work. Fact of the matter is, it works on almost everyone, of almost every age, almost everywhere. People work hard at their jobs to earn a bonus. Kids behave in school to earn prizes, rewards, tokens, or points. Here's my take: I'm not so sure it's a bad thing that we're teaching kids to understand (at a rudimentary level at first, then in more complex ways as they get older) and appreciate the workings of an incentive plan. They're going to confront this thousands, maybe even millions, of times throughout their lives. Maybe there's even a piece of the incentive plan that helps kids (again, after a certain age) to learn about goal-setting and reward. Obviously, I ultimately want my child to learn to set goals according to his own priorities, then to feel an internal motivation to achieve them and the satisfaction of knowing that pride in his accomplishments is reward enough. But let's get real. He's not even two. For now, I think maybe setting a very small and achievable goal for him according to my priorities ("Sit down in your high chair and eat your broccoli so you can have some dessert."), then providing him the external motivation ("Mmmm, aren't those little trees yummy?"), and the subsequent reward ("Yay! You ate one-tenth of a gram of broccoli! How about half a cookie!") is maybe, maybe, hopefully setting him up to one day understand how goal-setting and goal-achieving works. And right now, that often times happens through bribery.

So, what do you think? Take our survey or leave us a comment.

Take the survey by Friday, August 21.

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Parenting Pearl 2: Playground Intervention..."Let them work it out for themselves"

Image courtesy of stock.xchng user mavvamp

This one has been on my mind a lot lately. Here's the situation: You're at the park/pool/public place of your choice and all of a sudden, you're witness to a PLAYGOUND ALTERCATION. The problem is this: If I see some kid pushing my child around, I can't just sit there and let him get bullied. Similarly, if he's the one doing the pushing, I can't just watch him bully another kid. The real problem, of course, is the fact that if Iwasn't there to intervene, the kids would just...work it out themselves.


This gets me to one of my biggest teaching pet peeves - when kids have absolutely no independent ability to (you guessed it) work it out themselves.


Cut back to the playgound. I watch situations like this unfold and my mind is immediately racing. Do I let this bigger kid push Luke around so that he can learn to solve problems on his own? Do I let Luke take the tricycle away from some other kid and figure she, too, needs to learn to deal with situations like this in life? Will I be able to explain my theory to her mom who's currently shooting me daggers before she tries to kick my ass? I honestly don't know the answers here.


I guess, this is where family (or friends who are as close as family) comes in. Teachers talk about being able to spot "only children" right off the bat, and I think this is a big part of it. When you're a parent of multiple children, you simply can't intervene in every little spat. Your kids learn to solve at least some of their problems independently because they simply have to. If you're lucky, you have siblings or close friends whose children you can be a little bit lax around. When Luke pushes down his female cousin, my brother and his wife don't automatically assume I'm a terrible parent. When he takes toys away from his male cousin, my brother-in-law and his wife barely notice. And, in turn, when the cousins steal Luke's ball, or knock him down, I pretend not to notice and try to tamp down my impulse to jump up and set things right.


Maybe when he's in first grade, his teacher will thank me...

For the record: I agree with Marcy. This is a tough one. I recall a conversation between Maggie and Bridget who were arguing about which one of them would get to play with the blonde Barbie (and yes, they had Barbies. Think what you will of me.) After a couple moments of verbal sparring, Maggie said, "We better figure this out because if we ask Mom, she'll put the Barbie on top of the refrigerator." At that time, with 4 children between the ages of 4 and 11, that was my standard response if they couldn't figure things out for themselves. And indeed, in that circumstance and others, they did develop a plan for sharing the desired doll. However, this type of dealing with conflict came after repeated parental mediation. Remember, discipline means to teach. Modeling and supplying young children with the words and then reinforcement for the appropriate behavior comes before they will do this spontaneously. Only one of the many parental tightropes we all walk...



So what do you think? How much do you intervene in playground squabbles? How much do you care what the other playground moms think of you when you don't? Take the survey, or leave us a comment! Come back to this site August 13 to see the results.

SURVEY RESULTS

Thanks to the 11 of you who took the survey! Here's what the survey said about playground altercations and letting kids work things out for themselves.

Only 1 respondent indicated their child had not been involved in a playground altercation.

54%: wait and watch to see if the child is capable of handling the situation alone
45%: move closer to the situation so that the children involved know there is an adult nearby
27%: say it probably depends if they know the parent of the child involved
27%: say it probably depends on the age of the children involved
18%: say it probably depends on if the child is bigger than their child/grandchild, etc.

54%: worry s/he is going to hurt someone else
45%: worry s/he will become dependent on an adult to fix all their problems
36%: worry s/he is going to be hurt
27%: worry what other adults in the vicinity will think about them
18%: worry what other adults in the vicinity will think about their child/grandchild, etc.

According to survey respondents, there is much for children to learn about playground altercations:

"They learn how to deal with uncomfortable/frustrating situations."

"Boundaries, compromise, sharing, self preservation, kindness in conflict etc."

"Depends on the circumstance. If all goes well, then compromise and the art of negotiation. If not, recovering from something that didn't turn out as planned - which isn't a bad lesson either."

"Conflict resolution skills and to trust their own abilities rather than always running to me for help."

"It really bothers me when parents think that toddlers can 'work' things out. They have a very limited ability to handle conflict and the complexity it takes to make the right decision is absent until around age 4. My biggest pet peeve is when adults place high expectations on children who have only lived very little time on this earth. Urgh."

"How to resolve issues by sharing , listening to the needs ( wants of others )."

"They have power they can use in a good way when they resolve a conflict."

"Real life methods of handling different situations. It's hard sometimes, but I think letting them have a little autonomy here (within reason) is the best way to learn how to handle situations. They can always be discussed later so you can interject your perspective and have an opportunity to 'teach.'"

"It usually comes down to learning what it means to share."

"I don't always get my way.
We can work this out and keep having fun, or we can let the grownups break it up and go home early."

What's a parent to do? Some well-regarded resources on this topic include:Raising a Thinking Child: Help Your Young Child to Resolve Everyday Conflicts and Get Along with Others by Myrna Shure and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo and The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso

I was somewhat taken aback that survey respondents indicated they were concerned about what other parents thought about them or what other parents would think about their children. Actually this was a good reminder to me that really we are seldom unconcerned about our public persona--what I call your public parenting.

Being a parent is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult, jobs in the world. That we do it out in the open in so many different and varied arenas makes it all the more challenging. And whether we care to admit it, we do both judge what other parents do (and don't do) as well as feel judged by others.

I heard Barry Brazelton once tell a great story about his own less than stellar public parenting conducted at Filene's Department Store in Boston. He used the story to encourage the audience to be gentle and supportive with others engaged in 'judgeable' public parenting practices.

Let's consider this, then: the next time you see someone who's public parenting skills are being put to the test, catch their eye and smile. Or share a kind word. "I've been in the same situation. It's tough, isn't it?" often works. Maybe it will spread. What do they say about lighting a single candle?

I like my mom's classic line about public parenting. She says that before she had children, she would often see a child screaming or crying in a public place and think to herself, "That poor child. What is that wicked mother doing to her?" After having children, the thinking changed to, "That poor mother. What is that wicked child doing to her?"

It is, unfortunately, so easy to judge what we see other people doing, especially when we see someone pull a parenting move that we wouldn't use or "disapprove" of. But I think it all comes back to remembering that each person is the expert on his or her own family. You know what works for your kids and what's best for them...probably the mom glaring at her child in Aisle 3 does too.

Parenting Pearl 1: To Cry, or Not To Cry...That is the Question

"Let him cry it out. Even though the cries sound grating, crying for a prolonged period won't hurt the baby." Heard that one? How about this? "The No Cry Sleep Solution." To both of these, I say, "Ha. Wanna spend the night?"

I remember spending the first six weeks of Luke's life marveling at how nocturnal he was. During the day, I couldn't wake him up for a feeding, and at night, all he wanted to do was be awake...and cry. My own personal solution lay somewhere between the two extremes above. Although I longed for a "no cry sleep solution," crying between the hours of midnight and 3 am was too passionate of a hobby for my kiddo. That said, I absolutely couldn't bear the thought of leaving him alone in his crib crying for what would have been 2-3 solid hours per night.

So, I held him while he cried, I tried to soothe him to sleep, I let my husband walk him in circles around the dining room table while running the vacuum cleaner, and when our arms were too exhausted to hold him anymore or I thought I was going to start crying too, I laid him down in his crib. Mostly, I just tried to cope until he turned six weeks old, the age at which Marc Weissbluth, MD and child sleep expert, says that babies magically start to cry less and want to fall asleep earlier.

And miraculously, it worked...gradually. First, he started his crying earlier, then he ended it sooner. At some point, he was falling asleep around 9 pm and sleeping until 6 or 7 in the morning.

Now that Luke is an older baby, I put a little more emphasis on "bedtime" (though it's still a case of hitting a moving target) and "bedtime ritual" (again, fuzzy at best) and when I know he's tired and needs to go to sleep, I put him in his crib. Sometimes, he (amazingly!) lies down, says "buh-bye" to me, and goes to sleep. Other times, he has a different opinion about bedtime and he needs to cry for five, ten, fifteen minutes. And I let him. Not because I love him less than when he was a little baby, but because I know his habits are more well-developed, I know his signals about tired vs. hungry, and I know he needs his sleep and will drift off within a half-hour.

For the record: Before Molly was born, I read somewhere that you should rock the baby to sleep, then put her in the crib. Being an ardent believer in the power of the written word, I tried this for six weeks. Molly fussed and squirmed and I was frustrated. Finally my husband suggested we try just putting her in the crib. I do remember she looked up at us as if to say, "Thank you. This is what I wanted all along." Naturally I expected Tom would follow this pattern but, naturally, it didn't work that way. He slept through the night when he was five...YEARS...old; however, today he would list 'sleeping' as one of his hobbies. Maggie slept wherever you put her and at six months would dive from our arms into her crib. And, God's truth, I don't really remember too much about putting Bridget down which probably means I was a) seriously distracted by the older kids b) she fell asleep on her own or c) a combination of a and b.

What do you think about the crying it out thing? Let us know in a comment, or take our survey. You can come back to the website after August 12 to see the survey results and our comments and suggestions.

And...do you have a Parenting Pearl you'd like us to throw out to the blogging world? Leave that for us in a comment and we'll get on it!

SURVEY RESULTS
To steal a line from Survivor, the tribe has spoken--well, at least the seven of you who took time to complete the survey, for which we thank you! Here's what the survey said about letting a baby cry it out.

29%: letting a baby cry it out is effective
29%: letting a baby cry it out is not effective
43%: depends on the age of the baby
1 comment: "It may be effective but I don't believe it is good practice."

29%: have been successful in letting a baby cry it out
71%: have not been successful in letting a baby cry it out

29%: have recommended to a friend letting a baby cry it out
71%: have not made this recommendation

100%: heard this Pearl of Wisdom from someone
1 comment: Lots of friends, lots of books... but we haven't. Our 17-month-old is just learning to fall asleep in her crib on her own.

What's a parent to do? Some well-regarded resources on this topic include:The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley and William Sears; Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth; Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems: New, Revised, and Expanded Edition by Richard Ferber.

As the survey results demonstrate, there is no magic formula to get an infant to sleep through the night. (Don't we wish there was?) You and your baby will continually be working on approaches until you find something that is successful. Occasionally just as you believe you've stumbled onto a way that works for everyone, your baby changes his/her mind and you're back to square one.

You can help your baby sleep by staying calm and establishing routine and rituals surrounding bedtime. The staying calm part can be particularly challenging when you're sleep deprived but babies will pick up emotional cues from you. In advance of bedtime, quiet down your interactions with your baby to prevent overstimulating her. Change diapers (and this is the most serene diaper change of the day) and put your baby in jammies before the routine and ritual begins. This gives your baby a chance to adjust to his new clothing and to regulate his body temperature.

The bedtime routine can be simple--for example, a walk around the baby's bedroom to gently say goodnight to stuffed animals or photos of family members. The ritual can be a special song you sing to the baby, a lovey or other soother that comes out only at bedtime/naptime so your baby makes a positive association with that and going to sleep. (Beware the pacifier! If the baby spits it out, s/he cannot get it back into his/her mouth.)

Doesn't that sound peaceful? And if you're a sleep deprived parent, you're probably saying, "Yes! Yes! Why doesn't it work?"

Because you're the one reading this blog, not your baby:)

Welcome to Parenting Pearls of Wisdom!

Welcome to Parenting Pearls of Wisdom! Wherever you are on the parenting spectrum--expecting, brand new to the wonderful world of parenting, a veteran of the parenting adventure, a grandparent--we plan for this to be a great place for you. Here you will be able to respond to parenting "pearls of wisdom," share your own experiences, ask for advice on the "pearls" that have been dropped on you--or ones you drop yourself. We'll also add information and research from a variety of resources to help you explore the parenting approaches that might work best for your family.

If you're like, oh, every other parent out there, you're not simultaneously an expert in education, emergency medicine, child psychology, and couples' therapy. But you are the authority on your own family, and you're the one that can make the right choices for them. We aren't here to tell you what to do. We're here to tell you about what other people have tried, why it worked or didn't, and what the research says. We hope that somewhere in these "pearls," you'll find the information that helps you decide what's right for you.

In addition to writing comments, we will be offering you the chance to share your thoughts through Survey Monkey, a quick and anonymous survey tool that allows you to see how many other readers share your opinions. Once the survey responses are tabulated, you can come back to this blog and see the results.

So read on, then leave a comment, ask a question, or take a survey. The more feedback we get, the more we can personalize this site and give you the information you want.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Mary, BA, MEd, Licensed Parent Educator, is the voice of the veteran parent. She has been working with and for children and families of all ages for over thirty years. Mary began her career as a high school Language Arts teacher and Reading Specialist. She taught childbirth education classes for sixteen years and was a trainer for the International Childbirth Education Association during that time. Mary is a Licensed Parent Educator in the state of Minnesota. She currently is Manager of Youth and Family Services Programs for the St. Louis Park (MN) Schools. Most importantly, Mary and her husband, Dan, are parents of 4 adult children: Molly, 31; Tom, 29 and his wife, Kitty, 28; Maggie, 27 and Bridget, 24.

Marcy, BA, MST, is the voice of the new and clueless parent. She started her career in magazine publishing, then jumped ship for the world of education. After earning a Master of Science in Teaching, she began teaching at a private elementary school in Des Moines, Iowa. She is currently in her fourth year there. Even more fun than playing with 7-year-olds all day is coming home to husband Marty (a middle school teacher) and son Luke, 20 months.