What does the survey say: Learning to Lose

Thanks to the 10 of you who took the survey! Here's what you had to say:

Characterizing how our family is approaching winning and losing, we are:
50% of you said you are emphasizing that winning is important and learning how to accept losing is important.
50% of you said you are putting little or no emphasis on winning and/or losing, emphasizing instead what is learned through playing the game.
"It depends a lot of why you play; it's OK to have some things be for fun and other activities more serious."
"Interesting choices! Hmmm. We aren't a sportsy family (except for child #4) and are not especially athletically gifted, but competition is there in other areas. I think winning is important, but not at the expense of fair play and not at the expense of the "community" of the family."
"It doesn't matter how much you try to not emphasize winning and losing, the fact is that once kids reach the age of 3 or 4 they know about winning and losing and by 5 just try to tell them no one won or lost."
"Emphasizing that winning feels good, and is a goal but knowing how to lose without a meltdown is much, much more important."
"Not that winning isn't important but we try to put winning in context."

When asked how would you describe your personal attitude toward being a winner and being a loser...
10% said: Win at all costs. Nothing is more important than winning.
40% said: Children who are raised to accept losing will be more successful in their lives than children who are raised being encouraged primarily to win.
54% said: It's how you "play the game" that counts.
"The more different activities you have, the more losses you encounter. But for some people, the variety is important."
"..but my husband loves to point out that playing the game should be fun, but it's more fun when you win."

When asked if you ever let your child beat you in a game or activity...
100% of you said yes.
"Probably. Bedtime had to come."
"Doesn't everyone at some time do this?"
"Answering yes even though I haven't. But that's only because he's too young to get competition yet."

How often do you let your child win?
30% of you said about half the time
70% of you said only occasionally
. . . and not often.
"Less frequently as the kids grew up. Now, they just regularly beat me even when I'm really, really trying!"
"As they get older games are played by the rules and whoever wins wins and if you lose you say good game. If you can't be a gracious loser game time is all done." "I think this is where I'll end up, but time will tell!"
"When he was younger, I let him win most of the time. Now that he is a little older, I try my best to win, but many times he wins fair and square. If we're playing a game that is new to him, I may back off a bit to give him an edge until he understands the game better."
"When it was time for the game to be over..."

What types of activities or games do you let your child win?
40% of you said contests.
50% of you said sports activities.
80% of you said board games.
Other included: guessing games; races; shoe-tying, races to the potty, who can get the coat on fastest - "I think it's okay to throw those activities."

Why do you let your child win? Why do you let your child lose?
"Interesting difference between private wins/losses - where just the two of you know - and public results, where the factors in #7 may apply."
"Winning's fun and I think experiencing that is important. Little kids just don't have the physical or mental juice to win when the playing field is truly even. But kids also have to learn to lose. I'm a big believer that the most important lessons in life are learned when we lose."
"Doesn't feel great, but we do learn. If it was the first time they tried a game and I thought they would enjoy it, I might lose to encourage them to continue trying. The second time at the game, I might not let them win."
"When just learning a game I like to let them be successful at first. As we play more often, I like to let them experience both winning and losing so we can practice handling both situations."
"Win to help his confidence - lose to help him learn humility and sportsmanship. It hasn't been my own kid yet, but rather the kids I used to babysit. I let them win because they were often poor losers and I didn't feel I had the skills to teach them that important lesson over a game of Candyland. Plus, in the case of one child, my self-esteem could take the blow, hers seemed too fragile."
"Let them win to feel the excitement & know why winning is a good goal to have. I let them lose to learn to do so graciously, to know that you don't always win at everything and in the particular case of my son to teach humility (a lot of things come very easily to him & he's extremely competitive) I try to balance it out - if I let him win (or lose) all the time, it wouldn't be any fun for either of us."
"So that he can feel what it is like to win too! Otherwise, he gets discouraged if he NEVER wins."
"Mostly expediency for me, to be honest."

What are you concerned about when it comes to the possibility of your child "losing?"
10% of you said: how other children will perceive my child; my child's friendships; my child's social status
20% of you said: how other parents will perceive my child; my child will be subject to name calling; my child will be subject to bullying
60% of you said: my child's self-esteem
70% of you said: the impact of the loss on future endeavors (influencing my child's desire to continue trying this or other activities, games, etc.)

"Losing teaches important lessons, but those lessons need to be put in a positive context. That's our job as parents."
"I don't really have any concerns about losing. Just want him to feel that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. All you can do is try your best and learn from the experience. Practice, practice practice."

Other resources you might want to look at include: Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids: Dealing With Competition While Raising a Successful Child by Wendy S. Grolnick and Kathy Seal; True Competition:Guide to Pursuing Excellence in Sport & Society by David Light Shields and Brenda Light Bredemeier; Emily Post's The Guide to Good Manners for Kids by Cindy Post Senning, Peggy Post, and Steve Bjorkman