Parenting Pearl #6: "Arrest the Parents"

Jeanie Smith, blog author Marcy's mother, and Mary

Recently my local public radio station's Question of the Day was: Should parents be held responsible if guests of their kids drink?

So this got me to wondering--how much parental responsibility are we (as a society) willing to legislate? As a Licensed Parent Educator, I know that it is infinitely easier to sit around a table with other parents, drinking coffee, and talk about what to do in challenging situations than to be in the heat of the moment and follow through on what you said you were going to do earlier in the day. Along my own parenting journey, I learned that it was absolutely futile to worry about what the 'other' parents were doing and hope that would change in support of what I thought was the right way to handle a situation. My husband and I finally settled on, "In our house, we..." I'd like to tell you that made all those brutally tough circumstances easier in that the kids got it when I'd say, "In our house, we enforce a curfew" and that their response was, "Yes, of course in our house we enforce a curfew. Thank you! A lesson in life learning! Where would I be without you to enforce this curfew? As a matter of fact, how about if I come home earlier than the curfew, Mother Dearest?"

It wasn't.

Back to the drinking issue. Ours was not the home where the teenagers gathered. As Maggie once told me when I tried to convince her to bring her friends to our house after a high school dance, "You have rules." It was really hard to know that my kids were going to homes where the rules were decidedly more lenient, if there were rules. Or that the rules were along the lines of, "Naturally we take the kids' keys so they can't drink and drive." Or, "We supply the alcohol so we can limit the amount they consume." Spoken with all the sincerity of one who truly believed this was the right thing to do.

Common sense looks different to different people. So much goes into its formation, shaping, adjustment. But when society has established a rule of law, i.e. drinking is illegal until you are 21, should society then legislate "common sense?"

This is such an interesting topic, because it's one that I can honestly see both sides of. Obviously, I'm a lot of years, like at least 4, away from dealing with this particular issue. But I can see that down the line, parents have to figure out where they stand on this one.

I have friends and acquaintances who fall down on the lenient side here. They provide the place for the underage partying to happen so they can "keep an eye on things."And there is some validity to that argument, I guess. When I think about how scary it is to imagine my child drinking, then getting in a car and driving around for fun, I can see why parents want to buy the booze and keep the kids at home. At least that way, you limit the things that can go seriously, majorly wrong.

Myself, though, I think there's just a bit more validity to the stricter side of this debate. I have two major reasons for this opinion. The first is purely logistical. My husband and I are both educators. If ours is the house that supplies alcohol to underage kids, we're in danger of losing our jobs and our entire careers, not to mention creating a local scandal and giving our respective school districts really bad images. The second is philosophical. The law is the law, and I think it's important to teach my children that you don't get a lot of leeway in how you choose to follow it. Clearly, there are people who have broken the law for really good reasons and part of teaching moral character is learning when the law is simply wrong. But, c'mon, giving 17-year-olds beer doesn't make you Rosa Parks.

Where do you all stand on this one? Do we hold the parents responsible? And what is the responsible thing to do in these types of situations? We love to hear your feedback! Leave us a comment or take the survey right now.

What does the survey say: Learning to Lose

Thanks to the 10 of you who took the survey! Here's what you had to say:

Characterizing how our family is approaching winning and losing, we are:
50% of you said you are emphasizing that winning is important and learning how to accept losing is important.
50% of you said you are putting little or no emphasis on winning and/or losing, emphasizing instead what is learned through playing the game.
"It depends a lot of why you play; it's OK to have some things be for fun and other activities more serious."
"Interesting choices! Hmmm. We aren't a sportsy family (except for child #4) and are not especially athletically gifted, but competition is there in other areas. I think winning is important, but not at the expense of fair play and not at the expense of the "community" of the family."
"It doesn't matter how much you try to not emphasize winning and losing, the fact is that once kids reach the age of 3 or 4 they know about winning and losing and by 5 just try to tell them no one won or lost."
"Emphasizing that winning feels good, and is a goal but knowing how to lose without a meltdown is much, much more important."
"Not that winning isn't important but we try to put winning in context."

When asked how would you describe your personal attitude toward being a winner and being a loser...
10% said: Win at all costs. Nothing is more important than winning.
40% said: Children who are raised to accept losing will be more successful in their lives than children who are raised being encouraged primarily to win.
54% said: It's how you "play the game" that counts.
"The more different activities you have, the more losses you encounter. But for some people, the variety is important."
"..but my husband loves to point out that playing the game should be fun, but it's more fun when you win."

When asked if you ever let your child beat you in a game or activity...
100% of you said yes.
"Probably. Bedtime had to come."
"Doesn't everyone at some time do this?"
"Answering yes even though I haven't. But that's only because he's too young to get competition yet."

How often do you let your child win?
30% of you said about half the time
70% of you said only occasionally
. . . and not often.
"Less frequently as the kids grew up. Now, they just regularly beat me even when I'm really, really trying!"
"As they get older games are played by the rules and whoever wins wins and if you lose you say good game. If you can't be a gracious loser game time is all done." "I think this is where I'll end up, but time will tell!"
"When he was younger, I let him win most of the time. Now that he is a little older, I try my best to win, but many times he wins fair and square. If we're playing a game that is new to him, I may back off a bit to give him an edge until he understands the game better."
"When it was time for the game to be over..."

What types of activities or games do you let your child win?
40% of you said contests.
50% of you said sports activities.
80% of you said board games.
Other included: guessing games; races; shoe-tying, races to the potty, who can get the coat on fastest - "I think it's okay to throw those activities."

Why do you let your child win? Why do you let your child lose?
"Interesting difference between private wins/losses - where just the two of you know - and public results, where the factors in #7 may apply."
"Winning's fun and I think experiencing that is important. Little kids just don't have the physical or mental juice to win when the playing field is truly even. But kids also have to learn to lose. I'm a big believer that the most important lessons in life are learned when we lose."
"Doesn't feel great, but we do learn. If it was the first time they tried a game and I thought they would enjoy it, I might lose to encourage them to continue trying. The second time at the game, I might not let them win."
"When just learning a game I like to let them be successful at first. As we play more often, I like to let them experience both winning and losing so we can practice handling both situations."
"Win to help his confidence - lose to help him learn humility and sportsmanship. It hasn't been my own kid yet, but rather the kids I used to babysit. I let them win because they were often poor losers and I didn't feel I had the skills to teach them that important lesson over a game of Candyland. Plus, in the case of one child, my self-esteem could take the blow, hers seemed too fragile."
"Let them win to feel the excitement & know why winning is a good goal to have. I let them lose to learn to do so graciously, to know that you don't always win at everything and in the particular case of my son to teach humility (a lot of things come very easily to him & he's extremely competitive) I try to balance it out - if I let him win (or lose) all the time, it wouldn't be any fun for either of us."
"So that he can feel what it is like to win too! Otherwise, he gets discouraged if he NEVER wins."
"Mostly expediency for me, to be honest."

What are you concerned about when it comes to the possibility of your child "losing?"
10% of you said: how other children will perceive my child; my child's friendships; my child's social status
20% of you said: how other parents will perceive my child; my child will be subject to name calling; my child will be subject to bullying
60% of you said: my child's self-esteem
70% of you said: the impact of the loss on future endeavors (influencing my child's desire to continue trying this or other activities, games, etc.)

"Losing teaches important lessons, but those lessons need to be put in a positive context. That's our job as parents."
"I don't really have any concerns about losing. Just want him to feel that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. All you can do is try your best and learn from the experience. Practice, practice practice."

Other resources you might want to look at include: Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids: Dealing With Competition While Raising a Successful Child by Wendy S. Grolnick and Kathy Seal; True Competition:Guide to Pursuing Excellence in Sport & Society by David Light Shields and Brenda Light Bredemeier; Emily Post's The Guide to Good Manners for Kids by Cindy Post Senning, Peggy Post, and Steve Bjorkman

Final call for the survey on "Learning to Lose"

FINAL CALL! Please take the survey on "Learning to Lose" by Sunday, September 20. Thanks for your great ideas and responses!

Pearl #5: Teach Your Children to Lose... Without Being Losers

Learning to be a gracious winner is important, but I think learning to be a gracious loser is far more so. Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that you adopt the Black Sox as childhood heroes or anything, but kids need to realize that, while setting high expectations is a good thing, they're sometimes going to come up short. And that shouldn't be a crippling blow.

I heard Arlene DeVries, a wonderful parenting speaker, present on this topic once. Her larger topic was Parenting the Gifted Child, which I'm sure applies to everyone else, but you'll have to forgive me for overgeneralizing to my child. The truth is, so much of what she said is just good, sound advice for any kid. One of her messages was the importance of having family game nights, during which you should (gasp!) not always let your child beat you at said game. Learning that they don't always win the game is a good social skill - it will help them as they figure out how to play nicely with friends, and it will help them later in life as they begin to set goals and sometimes, unfortunately, don't achieve them and need to try again. We can all relate to the pain of losing out on something. For those of you slightly more athletically inclined than me, maybe you had a bad game, or simply faced a more skilled competitor, and didn't medal when you knew you really, truly had a shot. I remember the first time I didn't get a job that I knew I was qualified for and I really, really wanted. Sure it upset me. It made me mad, and it made me cry a bit, and I treated myself to a little pity party. But it didn't break me.

I know a child whose parents are the highly-driven, type-A style parents who take competition to a huge extreme. I often wonder what happens when his 95% isn't good enough, because his parents expect 100%. I wonder if he's headed for a complete meltdown when he gets to college and he's suddenly thrust into a much larger pond with so many smarter and more talented fish than he's accustomed to. I wonder if there's even any pure joy in the accomplishment of a new feat, or only the relief that that he didn't lose something he was expected to win.

DeVries, the speaker I heard, also linked this idea to two interesting tangents. After women's participation in college sports spiked due to Title IX, women's inclusion and achievements in the workplace started to follow suit. Not to say that there aren't other factors going on, but athletes regularly learn the lesson of losing, examining the shortfalls in a given performance, then coming back stronger than before. As those same female athletes entered the workforce, they learned that just because something was denied them once didn't mean they wouldn't achieve it in the future. You didn't get the promotion you wanted? Go back, examine your past performance, and step it up a notch so you can win the next round.

I like the idea of that being rooted in something as simple as a family game night. I will have family game night, when Luke is old enough to understand the concept. And I'm psyched because I'm pretty sure I'll be able to kick his 3-year-old butt at Scrabble.

Loved Marcy's comment about Luke being gifted. And she will kick his butt--and Luke's dad's--at Scrabble.
Kids can turn everything--and they often do--into a competition. Who can get to the car first? Who can eat the fastest? Who can kick the can the furthest? In fact, this is a good technique to use with children who are hesitant to cooperate: "Let's see who can put on their shoes the fastest, you or Mommy." Winner! And we all love to be winners, children and adults alike. Didn't you proudly share your child's Apgar score with everyone who would listen? Of course you did--I should put that in the survey :). No one wants to be labeled a loser, even seconds after birth.

On the other hand, and unfortunately youth sports has earned its poor reputation in this regard, as parents who love their children and don't want them to experience the hurt of losing sometimes go to the extreme to protect them. Perhaps you've been on the bleachers or sidelines when that has happened. It's uncomfortable for the bystanders yet seldom do bystanders step forward to stop the parents who are "out of control." The social dynamic is very interesting as is the culture surrounding youth sports. So the premise of teaching your child to lose without being a loser is not one that many parents can easily embrace.

I have to say, some of the best experiences in my children's lives have been ones where they failed. They looked to me and their dad for some loving and then to help them outline their options now that what they had wanted was no longer a possibility. Personally I think this has not only made them stronger internally but has finely tuned their empathy skills. Our parental job in those situations was to help them recognize the skills they did have that they could now call on. We reinforced that they were strong, capable and could, as the old song says, pick themselves up, dust themselves off and start all over again. Isn't that what each new day is for?

What do you think? Do you help your kid win because it hurts to watch them lose? Do you help them learn about how to lose graciously? Are we way off base? Leave us a comment, or take the survey now!

What does the survey say: putting up a united front

Thanks to the 6 of you who took the survey! Here's what you had to say about putting up a united front.

50% said they agreed with their spouse 80% of the time.
16% said they agreed with their spouse 70% of the time.
33% said they agreed with their spouse less than 50% of the time.

84% said they agreed with their spouse about health related issues.
66% said they agreed about safety issues.
50% said they agreed about schedules, routines and developmental expectations of their children.
33% said they agreed about discipline.

60% said they disagreed with their spouse about routines, discipline and developmental expectations of their children.
40% said they disagreed about schedules.
20% said they disagreed about health and safety issues.

These are the situations you find most challenging to support the differences of opinions:
"Issues with his own family"
"All areas we disagree on when not consulted; if one, safety"
"Discipline"
"Going to his family's functions"
"Bedtime routines (quiet book reading vs. TV watching)"
"Who comes first, the parent or the child"

Did you ever inadvertently undermine your spouse?
1 said no
1 said not applicable
"When saying to a child they can do something when the other parent said no. We try more to consult each other alone before speaking with the children."
"Asking to leave his parents house earlier than he wanted for bedtime."
"I'm sure I have, although I'm sure I don't want to remember the circumstances of being the guilty party..."
"My spouse had the habit of not following through with promises to the kids. Usually I would step in and "make it better" for him because I didn't want the kids to be disappointed. But once, out of frustration, I let my spouse fall and ratted him out to the disappointed child, telling him he needed to talk to his dad because it was Dad who hadn't brought home what he had promised. So my son called Dad, who asked to talk to me after my son talked to him. My spouse was really angry with me but I told him it was his problem and his issue to resolve, not mine. That did change things pretty much. My spouse was more trustworthy to the kids, which I think is really important in their relationship."

Good Parents Bad Parenting - How To Parent Together When Your Parenting Styles Are Worlds Apart by Lisa Dunning is a resource you might want to look at.