Pearl #5: Teach Your Children to Lose... Without Being Losers

Learning to be a gracious winner is important, but I think learning to be a gracious loser is far more so. Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that you adopt the Black Sox as childhood heroes or anything, but kids need to realize that, while setting high expectations is a good thing, they're sometimes going to come up short. And that shouldn't be a crippling blow.

I heard Arlene DeVries, a wonderful parenting speaker, present on this topic once. Her larger topic was Parenting the Gifted Child, which I'm sure applies to everyone else, but you'll have to forgive me for overgeneralizing to my child. The truth is, so much of what she said is just good, sound advice for any kid. One of her messages was the importance of having family game nights, during which you should (gasp!) not always let your child beat you at said game. Learning that they don't always win the game is a good social skill - it will help them as they figure out how to play nicely with friends, and it will help them later in life as they begin to set goals and sometimes, unfortunately, don't achieve them and need to try again. We can all relate to the pain of losing out on something. For those of you slightly more athletically inclined than me, maybe you had a bad game, or simply faced a more skilled competitor, and didn't medal when you knew you really, truly had a shot. I remember the first time I didn't get a job that I knew I was qualified for and I really, really wanted. Sure it upset me. It made me mad, and it made me cry a bit, and I treated myself to a little pity party. But it didn't break me.

I know a child whose parents are the highly-driven, type-A style parents who take competition to a huge extreme. I often wonder what happens when his 95% isn't good enough, because his parents expect 100%. I wonder if he's headed for a complete meltdown when he gets to college and he's suddenly thrust into a much larger pond with so many smarter and more talented fish than he's accustomed to. I wonder if there's even any pure joy in the accomplishment of a new feat, or only the relief that that he didn't lose something he was expected to win.

DeVries, the speaker I heard, also linked this idea to two interesting tangents. After women's participation in college sports spiked due to Title IX, women's inclusion and achievements in the workplace started to follow suit. Not to say that there aren't other factors going on, but athletes regularly learn the lesson of losing, examining the shortfalls in a given performance, then coming back stronger than before. As those same female athletes entered the workforce, they learned that just because something was denied them once didn't mean they wouldn't achieve it in the future. You didn't get the promotion you wanted? Go back, examine your past performance, and step it up a notch so you can win the next round.

I like the idea of that being rooted in something as simple as a family game night. I will have family game night, when Luke is old enough to understand the concept. And I'm psyched because I'm pretty sure I'll be able to kick his 3-year-old butt at Scrabble.

Loved Marcy's comment about Luke being gifted. And she will kick his butt--and Luke's dad's--at Scrabble.
Kids can turn everything--and they often do--into a competition. Who can get to the car first? Who can eat the fastest? Who can kick the can the furthest? In fact, this is a good technique to use with children who are hesitant to cooperate: "Let's see who can put on their shoes the fastest, you or Mommy." Winner! And we all love to be winners, children and adults alike. Didn't you proudly share your child's Apgar score with everyone who would listen? Of course you did--I should put that in the survey :). No one wants to be labeled a loser, even seconds after birth.

On the other hand, and unfortunately youth sports has earned its poor reputation in this regard, as parents who love their children and don't want them to experience the hurt of losing sometimes go to the extreme to protect them. Perhaps you've been on the bleachers or sidelines when that has happened. It's uncomfortable for the bystanders yet seldom do bystanders step forward to stop the parents who are "out of control." The social dynamic is very interesting as is the culture surrounding youth sports. So the premise of teaching your child to lose without being a loser is not one that many parents can easily embrace.

I have to say, some of the best experiences in my children's lives have been ones where they failed. They looked to me and their dad for some loving and then to help them outline their options now that what they had wanted was no longer a possibility. Personally I think this has not only made them stronger internally but has finely tuned their empathy skills. Our parental job in those situations was to help them recognize the skills they did have that they could now call on. We reinforced that they were strong, capable and could, as the old song says, pick themselves up, dust themselves off and start all over again. Isn't that what each new day is for?

What do you think? Do you help your kid win because it hurts to watch them lose? Do you help them learn about how to lose graciously? Are we way off base? Leave us a comment, or take the survey now!