"Let him cry it out. Even though the cries sound grating, crying for a prolonged period won't hurt the baby." Heard that one? How about this? "The No Cry Sleep Solution." To both of these, I say, "Ha. Wanna spend the night?"
I remember spending the first six weeks of Luke's life marveling at how nocturnal he was. During the day, I couldn't wake him up for a feeding, and at night, all he wanted to do was be awake...and cry. My own personal solution lay somewhere between the two extremes above. Although I longed for a "no cry sleep solution," crying between the hours of midnight and 3 am was too passionate of a hobby for my kiddo. That said, I absolutely couldn't bear the thought of leaving him alone in his crib crying for what would have been 2-3 solid hours per night.
So, I held him while he cried, I tried to soothe him to sleep, I let my husband walk him in circles around the dining room table while running the vacuum cleaner, and when our arms were too exhausted to hold him anymore or I thought I was going to start crying too, I laid him down in his crib. Mostly, I just tried to cope until he turned six weeks old, the age at which Marc Weissbluth, MD and child sleep expert, says that babies magically start to cry less and want to fall asleep earlier.
And miraculously, it worked...gradually. First, he started his crying earlier, then he ended it sooner. At some point, he was falling asleep around 9 pm and sleeping until 6 or 7 in the morning.
Now that Luke is an older baby, I put a little more emphasis on "bedtime" (though it's still a case of hitting a moving target) and "bedtime ritual" (again, fuzzy at best) and when I know he's tired and needs to go to sleep, I put him in his crib. Sometimes, he (amazingly!) lies down, says "buh-bye" to me, and goes to sleep. Other times, he has a different opinion about bedtime and he needs to cry for five, ten, fifteen minutes. And I let him. Not because I love him less than when he was a little baby, but because I know his habits are more well-developed, I know his signals about tired vs. hungry, and I know he needs his sleep and will drift off within a half-hour.
For the record: Before Molly was born, I read somewhere that you should rock the baby to sleep, then put her in the crib. Being an ardent believer in the power of the written word, I tried this for six weeks. Molly fussed and squirmed and I was frustrated. Finally my husband suggested we try just putting her in the crib. I do remember she looked up at us as if to say, "Thank you. This is what I wanted all along." Naturally I expected Tom would follow this pattern but, naturally, it didn't work that way. He slept through the night when he was five...YEARS...old; however, today he would list 'sleeping' as one of his hobbies. Maggie slept wherever you put her and at six months would dive from our arms into her crib. And, God's truth, I don't really remember too much about putting Bridget down which probably means I was a) seriously distracted by the older kids b) she fell asleep on her own or c) a combination of a and b.
What do you think about the crying it out thing? Let us know in a comment, or take our survey. You can come back to the website after August 12 to see the survey results and our comments and suggestions.
And...do you have a Parenting Pearl you'd like us to throw out to the blogging world? Leave that for us in a comment and we'll get on it!
And...do you have a Parenting Pearl you'd like us to throw out to the blogging world? Leave that for us in a comment and we'll get on it!
SURVEY RESULTS
To steal a line from Survivor, the tribe has spoken--well, at least the seven of you who took time to complete the survey, for which we thank you! Here's what the survey said about letting a baby cry it out.
29%: letting a baby cry it out is effective
29%: letting a baby cry it out is not effective
43%: depends on the age of the baby
1 comment: "It may be effective but I don't believe it is good practice."
29%: have been successful in letting a baby cry it out
71%: have not been successful in letting a baby cry it out
29%: have recommended to a friend letting a baby cry it out
71%: have not made this recommendation
100%: heard this Pearl of Wisdom from someone
1 comment: Lots of friends, lots of books... but we haven't. Our 17-month-old is just learning to fall asleep in her crib on her own.
What's a parent to do? Some well-regarded resources on this topic include:The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley and William Sears; Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth; Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems: New, Revised, and Expanded Edition by Richard Ferber.
As the survey results demonstrate, there is no magic formula to get an infant to sleep through the night. (Don't we wish there was?) You and your baby will continually be working on approaches until you find something that is successful. Occasionally just as you believe you've stumbled onto a way that works for everyone, your baby changes his/her mind and you're back to square one.
You can help your baby sleep by staying calm and establishing routine and rituals surrounding bedtime. The staying calm part can be particularly challenging when you're sleep deprived but babies will pick up emotional cues from you. In advance of bedtime, quiet down your interactions with your baby to prevent overstimulating her. Change diapers (and this is the most serene diaper change of the day) and put your baby in jammies before the routine and ritual begins. This gives your baby a chance to adjust to his new clothing and to regulate his body temperature.
The bedtime routine can be simple--for example, a walk around the baby's bedroom to gently say goodnight to stuffed animals or photos of family members. The ritual can be a special song you sing to the baby, a lovey or other soother that comes out only at bedtime/naptime so your baby makes a positive association with that and going to sleep. (Beware the pacifier! If the baby spits it out, s/he cannot get it back into his/her mouth.)
Doesn't that sound peaceful? And if you're a sleep deprived parent, you're probably saying, "Yes! Yes! Why doesn't it work?"
Because you're the one reading this blog, not your baby:)
A great opening point. From friends and babysitting experience, I know how frustrating it can be when babies cry and cry, instead of falling asleep...and I can only imagine how heartrending it is to listen to your own baby wail!
ReplyDeleteOnce you figure out the "tired" cry, then letting them cry that specific cry is no problem. Until then, ya gotta react.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine it could be good to let a baby cry for a long time. We were very lucky that our son has always been pretty easy to soothe. Our rule was that we'd let him cry for 5 minutes. The trick is that you have to look at the clock as soon as you walk out of the room because even 5 minutes feels like ages! After 5 minutes if he was still crying we'd go in and reassure him but not take him out of the crib and then go out for another 5 min. I don't know if this would work for everyone but it seemed to be a good compromise for us.
ReplyDelete