Pearl #4: "You Have to Put Up a Unified Front": Being a Partner to Your Partner

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This is such a tricky one. I remember when I was pregnant with Luke sitting with my husband and talking about things we thought were important in parenting. I was telling him how strongly I felt that we act as a team, even when we don't necessarily agree with each other. That didn't come back to bite me in the ass until Luke was a whole 5 hours old, and the pediatrician at the hospital asked about the circumcision. I had previously told Marty that was his area and he could make the call about it, but as soon as I had this perfect, wonderful little baby in my arms, the idea that someone wanted to cut even a tiny little piece of him off was beyond unbearable. I just couldn't let them do it. I couldn't put him under the knife. So, we decided to wait a week or so.

The week passed and I wasn't able to do it. Then two months, then six. And the whole time, I'm hearing my obnoxiously optimistic words ringing in my head: "Even when we disagree, even when we feel strongly, we have to support each other." Yowch...

My whole point is, acting like a unified team is really, really hard and it takes conscious effort and COMMUNICATION. Sometimes it's the big decisions. It's sensing when your partner feels so strongly about something that you just have to give. Other times, it's remembering to compromise (even though you're sure your way is right). Often, it's a matter of biting your tongue and not snidely saying, "Of course you had chocolate cake for breakfast. Daddy was the breakfast parent today." (Confession - I'm the one who actually pulled that on vacation last week. Whoops...)

Kids sense really quickly how easy it is to play one parent against the other. When dad gives an answer they don't like, then mom offhandedly gives the opposite answer because she didn't bother to think what dad might have already said, kids realize they have the power to set you up into a good cop/bad cop routine. And it's not fair to the parent who always has to be the voice of reason, the eat-your-vegetables, take-your-bath, go-to-bed parent. Especially when the other parent always gets to be the wrestle-on-the-couch, go-out-for-ice-cream, stay-up-and-watch-a-movie parent.

And if it's hard for two parents living in the same house to remember to stay on the same page, how hard is it for separated parents living apart? I have huge admiration for divorced parents who are able to put their own anger, hurt, and bad feelings aside and focus on the common task of raising a child(ren) that they share. I've seen so many sad cases where parents can't even be in the same room for their kids' band concerts, school plays, graduations, and even weddings. But there are tons of divorced parents and stepparents out there making it work, if not seamlessly, then at least smoothly. Upholding the same rules and the same consequences for breaking them. Jointly deciding on privileges to be earned and the criteria to earn them. Wow - what a feat that is.

Wow! Talk about tackling the big, GIGANTIC issues head on. Let me first don my "Licensed Parent Educator" hat. Consistency is key for children of all ages. I often taught about the value of having routine within a circle of flexibility. Regardless of how hard you try, no two situations are going to be the same. So while you can easily discuss away from the situation how you are, as a team, going to act and react, reality as we know can be quite challenging. As Marcy said, it's one thing to "chat" teamwork, it's quite another in execution.

Be that as it may, let's focus on what's in the best interest of the children. Their eyes are trained upon you. They literally drink in what you do, how you do it, what you say, your body language...it's kind of overwhelming, isn't it? (My son, Tom, er, TOBY, used to tell me that I didn't have to say anything when he was sharing some tidbit that was upsetting. My facial expression spoke volumes.) So you can't hide under "the kids don't get it" or "they're not aware" when you disagree on issues. They do.

You're not always going to see everything the same way, nor should you. Healthy, open, respectful communication about your disagreements can lead to a place where you both will find some level of agreement. This is extremely important to model to your children as they will leave your home (someday, the heavens willing) imprinted with how people who love each other--and love them--deal with conflict (important, I think, for divorced parents to consider.).

I will come down on this side of the fence: on the "big ticket" items, like discipline, values, faith, you should work toward agreement and then commit to your family that you will try your very best every time to follow this promise. Routines, like Marcy's example of the breakfast parent? Go back to routine within a circle of flexibility. Barbara Coloroso (www.kidsareworthit.com) asks us to consider: "If it works and it leaves both of our dignity intact, do it."

On those moments when my husband didn't do what I wanted him to do (and there were more than a few over the 31 + years that we've been parents), I wasn't happy. It took a lot of work and support to get me to a place where I finally realized he wasn't doing those things on purpose just to get my goat. Just like me, he was doing the best he could every day. Now there were a few things I drew a line at and we had to work on those over and over and over again. And to my surprise, lo and behold, there were some things I was doing that he wanted to talk with me about, too! Such is the institution of marriage and the family.

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