Parenting Pearl 2: Playground Intervention..."Let them work it out for themselves"

Image courtesy of stock.xchng user mavvamp

This one has been on my mind a lot lately. Here's the situation: You're at the park/pool/public place of your choice and all of a sudden, you're witness to a PLAYGOUND ALTERCATION. The problem is this: If I see some kid pushing my child around, I can't just sit there and let him get bullied. Similarly, if he's the one doing the pushing, I can't just watch him bully another kid. The real problem, of course, is the fact that if Iwasn't there to intervene, the kids would just...work it out themselves.


This gets me to one of my biggest teaching pet peeves - when kids have absolutely no independent ability to (you guessed it) work it out themselves.


Cut back to the playgound. I watch situations like this unfold and my mind is immediately racing. Do I let this bigger kid push Luke around so that he can learn to solve problems on his own? Do I let Luke take the tricycle away from some other kid and figure she, too, needs to learn to deal with situations like this in life? Will I be able to explain my theory to her mom who's currently shooting me daggers before she tries to kick my ass? I honestly don't know the answers here.


I guess, this is where family (or friends who are as close as family) comes in. Teachers talk about being able to spot "only children" right off the bat, and I think this is a big part of it. When you're a parent of multiple children, you simply can't intervene in every little spat. Your kids learn to solve at least some of their problems independently because they simply have to. If you're lucky, you have siblings or close friends whose children you can be a little bit lax around. When Luke pushes down his female cousin, my brother and his wife don't automatically assume I'm a terrible parent. When he takes toys away from his male cousin, my brother-in-law and his wife barely notice. And, in turn, when the cousins steal Luke's ball, or knock him down, I pretend not to notice and try to tamp down my impulse to jump up and set things right.


Maybe when he's in first grade, his teacher will thank me...

For the record: I agree with Marcy. This is a tough one. I recall a conversation between Maggie and Bridget who were arguing about which one of them would get to play with the blonde Barbie (and yes, they had Barbies. Think what you will of me.) After a couple moments of verbal sparring, Maggie said, "We better figure this out because if we ask Mom, she'll put the Barbie on top of the refrigerator." At that time, with 4 children between the ages of 4 and 11, that was my standard response if they couldn't figure things out for themselves. And indeed, in that circumstance and others, they did develop a plan for sharing the desired doll. However, this type of dealing with conflict came after repeated parental mediation. Remember, discipline means to teach. Modeling and supplying young children with the words and then reinforcement for the appropriate behavior comes before they will do this spontaneously. Only one of the many parental tightropes we all walk...



So what do you think? How much do you intervene in playground squabbles? How much do you care what the other playground moms think of you when you don't? Take the survey, or leave us a comment! Come back to this site August 13 to see the results.

SURVEY RESULTS

Thanks to the 11 of you who took the survey! Here's what the survey said about playground altercations and letting kids work things out for themselves.

Only 1 respondent indicated their child had not been involved in a playground altercation.

54%: wait and watch to see if the child is capable of handling the situation alone
45%: move closer to the situation so that the children involved know there is an adult nearby
27%: say it probably depends if they know the parent of the child involved
27%: say it probably depends on the age of the children involved
18%: say it probably depends on if the child is bigger than their child/grandchild, etc.

54%: worry s/he is going to hurt someone else
45%: worry s/he will become dependent on an adult to fix all their problems
36%: worry s/he is going to be hurt
27%: worry what other adults in the vicinity will think about them
18%: worry what other adults in the vicinity will think about their child/grandchild, etc.

According to survey respondents, there is much for children to learn about playground altercations:

"They learn how to deal with uncomfortable/frustrating situations."

"Boundaries, compromise, sharing, self preservation, kindness in conflict etc."

"Depends on the circumstance. If all goes well, then compromise and the art of negotiation. If not, recovering from something that didn't turn out as planned - which isn't a bad lesson either."

"Conflict resolution skills and to trust their own abilities rather than always running to me for help."

"It really bothers me when parents think that toddlers can 'work' things out. They have a very limited ability to handle conflict and the complexity it takes to make the right decision is absent until around age 4. My biggest pet peeve is when adults place high expectations on children who have only lived very little time on this earth. Urgh."

"How to resolve issues by sharing , listening to the needs ( wants of others )."

"They have power they can use in a good way when they resolve a conflict."

"Real life methods of handling different situations. It's hard sometimes, but I think letting them have a little autonomy here (within reason) is the best way to learn how to handle situations. They can always be discussed later so you can interject your perspective and have an opportunity to 'teach.'"

"It usually comes down to learning what it means to share."

"I don't always get my way.
We can work this out and keep having fun, or we can let the grownups break it up and go home early."

What's a parent to do? Some well-regarded resources on this topic include:Raising a Thinking Child: Help Your Young Child to Resolve Everyday Conflicts and Get Along with Others by Myrna Shure and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo and The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso

I was somewhat taken aback that survey respondents indicated they were concerned about what other parents thought about them or what other parents would think about their children. Actually this was a good reminder to me that really we are seldom unconcerned about our public persona--what I call your public parenting.

Being a parent is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult, jobs in the world. That we do it out in the open in so many different and varied arenas makes it all the more challenging. And whether we care to admit it, we do both judge what other parents do (and don't do) as well as feel judged by others.

I heard Barry Brazelton once tell a great story about his own less than stellar public parenting conducted at Filene's Department Store in Boston. He used the story to encourage the audience to be gentle and supportive with others engaged in 'judgeable' public parenting practices.

Let's consider this, then: the next time you see someone who's public parenting skills are being put to the test, catch their eye and smile. Or share a kind word. "I've been in the same situation. It's tough, isn't it?" often works. Maybe it will spread. What do they say about lighting a single candle?

I like my mom's classic line about public parenting. She says that before she had children, she would often see a child screaming or crying in a public place and think to herself, "That poor child. What is that wicked mother doing to her?" After having children, the thinking changed to, "That poor mother. What is that wicked child doing to her?"

It is, unfortunately, so easy to judge what we see other people doing, especially when we see someone pull a parenting move that we wouldn't use or "disapprove" of. But I think it all comes back to remembering that each person is the expert on his or her own family. You know what works for your kids and what's best for them...probably the mom glaring at her child in Aisle 3 does too.