Just a plain old pearl you should know about: The 40 Developmental Assets for Children

I am privileged to work in a community that really values its children. And when you work in that community's school district, that's no small thing to say. St. Louis Park, Minnesota is a first ring western suburb of Minneapolis. For the third straight year, it has been named one of America's 100 Best Communities for Children. This spring, St. Louis Park High School was listed as the top high school in Minnesota, just barely below the nation's top 100 high schools, in Newsweek magazine.

Of course there are many contributing factors to the accolades but I do think a significant one is an initiative which began here in the spring of 1993. St. Louis Park began transforming how the community viewed its young people. Children First was born out of a partnership among the education, faith, city, health and business communities. The continuing focus of this partnership is to encourage everyone in the community to find ways that make sense to them to help in the healthy development of our infants, children and teens.What makes Children First different is

• It's a philosophy rather than a program.
• It focuses on positive character-building attributes, not negative, at-risk behavior.
• It targets all St. Louis Park youth, birth through 18 year-olds.
• It was founded by a partnership between the business, city, education, health and faith communities.
• It calls everyone to provide support for youth.

Community members do this by championing the Search Institute's 40 Developmental Assets with young people. You WILL want to click on the Search Institute to read about the assets and see how much sense this makes and how helpful it will be for you as a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, really anyone who at any time comes in contact with children.

And it's simple. All you have to do is ask yourself: How am I involved where I could make a difference in the lives of young people? And then do it. Smile at the next teenager you see in the mall. Say hello to one of the other babies you see on the playground. Spend a second to ask one of your children's friends, "How's it going?" No special equipment required.

We'd really love to hear from you how you institute this in your lives. Post a comment!

On a personal note--I had been meaning to write this plain old pearl for a while. Today I'm writing in honor of a real Asset Champion (see Children First link for more information), my dear friend and secretary, Marilyn Braaten, who passed away unexpectedly on Friday morning. She embodied absolutely everything that the philosophy of Children First stands for. All of us in St. Louis Park, and those who knew her in many places, are so much the richer for having had her build assets in our lives.

Putting Up a United Front Survey

Since we've had trouble getting the survey link active, we're going to extend the deadline for survey taking until Friday, September 4. Spread the word to others to check out the blog!

Still working on that survey!

I've heard you might be having trouble accessing the survey, so here's a link you can copy and paste into your browser. Hopefully that will help!

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=SsPwsZathYd10NPem1eY0g_3d_3d

Pearl #4: "You Have to Put Up a Unified Front": Being a Partner to Your Partner

Image courtesy of stock.xchng user gabivali

This is such a tricky one. I remember when I was pregnant with Luke sitting with my husband and talking about things we thought were important in parenting. I was telling him how strongly I felt that we act as a team, even when we don't necessarily agree with each other. That didn't come back to bite me in the ass until Luke was a whole 5 hours old, and the pediatrician at the hospital asked about the circumcision. I had previously told Marty that was his area and he could make the call about it, but as soon as I had this perfect, wonderful little baby in my arms, the idea that someone wanted to cut even a tiny little piece of him off was beyond unbearable. I just couldn't let them do it. I couldn't put him under the knife. So, we decided to wait a week or so.

The week passed and I wasn't able to do it. Then two months, then six. And the whole time, I'm hearing my obnoxiously optimistic words ringing in my head: "Even when we disagree, even when we feel strongly, we have to support each other." Yowch...

My whole point is, acting like a unified team is really, really hard and it takes conscious effort and COMMUNICATION. Sometimes it's the big decisions. It's sensing when your partner feels so strongly about something that you just have to give. Other times, it's remembering to compromise (even though you're sure your way is right). Often, it's a matter of biting your tongue and not snidely saying, "Of course you had chocolate cake for breakfast. Daddy was the breakfast parent today." (Confession - I'm the one who actually pulled that on vacation last week. Whoops...)

Kids sense really quickly how easy it is to play one parent against the other. When dad gives an answer they don't like, then mom offhandedly gives the opposite answer because she didn't bother to think what dad might have already said, kids realize they have the power to set you up into a good cop/bad cop routine. And it's not fair to the parent who always has to be the voice of reason, the eat-your-vegetables, take-your-bath, go-to-bed parent. Especially when the other parent always gets to be the wrestle-on-the-couch, go-out-for-ice-cream, stay-up-and-watch-a-movie parent.

And if it's hard for two parents living in the same house to remember to stay on the same page, how hard is it for separated parents living apart? I have huge admiration for divorced parents who are able to put their own anger, hurt, and bad feelings aside and focus on the common task of raising a child(ren) that they share. I've seen so many sad cases where parents can't even be in the same room for their kids' band concerts, school plays, graduations, and even weddings. But there are tons of divorced parents and stepparents out there making it work, if not seamlessly, then at least smoothly. Upholding the same rules and the same consequences for breaking them. Jointly deciding on privileges to be earned and the criteria to earn them. Wow - what a feat that is.

Wow! Talk about tackling the big, GIGANTIC issues head on. Let me first don my "Licensed Parent Educator" hat. Consistency is key for children of all ages. I often taught about the value of having routine within a circle of flexibility. Regardless of how hard you try, no two situations are going to be the same. So while you can easily discuss away from the situation how you are, as a team, going to act and react, reality as we know can be quite challenging. As Marcy said, it's one thing to "chat" teamwork, it's quite another in execution.

Be that as it may, let's focus on what's in the best interest of the children. Their eyes are trained upon you. They literally drink in what you do, how you do it, what you say, your body language...it's kind of overwhelming, isn't it? (My son, Tom, er, TOBY, used to tell me that I didn't have to say anything when he was sharing some tidbit that was upsetting. My facial expression spoke volumes.) So you can't hide under "the kids don't get it" or "they're not aware" when you disagree on issues. They do.

You're not always going to see everything the same way, nor should you. Healthy, open, respectful communication about your disagreements can lead to a place where you both will find some level of agreement. This is extremely important to model to your children as they will leave your home (someday, the heavens willing) imprinted with how people who love each other--and love them--deal with conflict (important, I think, for divorced parents to consider.).

I will come down on this side of the fence: on the "big ticket" items, like discipline, values, faith, you should work toward agreement and then commit to your family that you will try your very best every time to follow this promise. Routines, like Marcy's example of the breakfast parent? Go back to routine within a circle of flexibility. Barbara Coloroso (www.kidsareworthit.com) asks us to consider: "If it works and it leaves both of our dignity intact, do it."

On those moments when my husband didn't do what I wanted him to do (and there were more than a few over the 31 + years that we've been parents), I wasn't happy. It took a lot of work and support to get me to a place where I finally realized he wasn't doing those things on purpose just to get my goat. Just like me, he was doing the best he could every day. Now there were a few things I drew a line at and we had to work on those over and over and over again. And to my surprise, lo and behold, there were some things I was doing that he wanted to talk with me about, too! Such is the institution of marriage and the family.

So what do you think? Leave us a comment or take our survey.

What does the survey say...bribery works

Thanks to the 8 of you who took the survey! Here's what the results say about whether or not bribery works.

Only 1 of you said you have never made a deal with or bribed your child, grandchild, etc. to get him/her to do what you wanted him/her to do.

In what situations do you use bribery?
"To finish what is on her plate, to get out of the bath, to xyz we'll say she can then have an ice lolly/lollipop/tootsie roll. Most often it's: once you've finished your food we can go do xyz."

"In situations where a child needs to complete a less desirable task & there is no apparent natural consequence, or the natural consequence is unsafe and/or impractical for the moment. I use "bribes" that involve increased time and pleasurable activities or events, rather than physical rewards."

"Eating dinner to get dessert - which was how I was raised."

"Not really any, only when there is no time to wait out the tantrum."

"Store behavior."

"Primarily when I wanted my child to do something that s/he really wasn't interested in doing."

"Eating, pottying, going, leaving, you name it!"

"Eating, behaving in a certain situation or location."

This was a multiple response question, looking for the kinds of things you use as bribes. In order of their popularity, they are:
Food
Going to the park or other enjoyable place
Additional time with Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, etc
Treats reseved for special situations
A special something purchased at the store we're trying to get out of
A story
Getting to watch a favorite TV show, DVD, etc.
Getting to do things himself

How much are you finding yourself using this technique?
50% said infrequently, less than once a week
37.5% said frequently, multiple times a week
12.5% said only in special circumstances

Have you ever offered this advice to another person?
75% said no
12.5% said to a friend
12.5% said to a relative

50% of you answered this survey as a mother
25% as a relative of a child
25% as someone who cares about children.

What's a parent to do? Some well-regarded resources on this topic include: Product How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too and How to Behave So Your Preschooler Will, Too! by Sal Severe; Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery by Judy Arnall; Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
It seems to me that when I used bribery or dealing with my kids, the focus was on me. It was on what I wanted--or needed-- to have happen. The signals I was reading were mine. "Just five more minutes talking to Grandma and then we can go to the park." "Leave your sister alone and we'll go to the Dairy Queen tonight." You get the picture. A penultimate parenting moment for me was reading the book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I still describe this book as my parenting bible. One of the key concepts in the book is helping children (and, I'll add, parents) differentiate between needs and wants. In today's societal turn toward overindulging children, this is, in my opinion, critical. Your child may want to whack their sibling because they're angry, tired, frustrated, etc. but they don't really need to. It's up to the parent/caregiver to read the child's signals and help them figure out what they need. It's also the adult responsibility to redirect the child. As the Rolling Stones told us, you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.

Parenting Pearl #3: "Bribery works."

To be clear, I'm not referring to negotiating or offering choices here. For those of you "of a certain age," as the French would say, this is along the lines of the old game show, "Let's Make A Deal." In fact, today I overheard a parent say to one of her children, "I'll make a deal with you." Usually dealing--or it's less savory referent, bribery--is first used as a last resort. You have tried all the 'good' parenting techniques you have but alas, your darling child(ren) is not responding. The problem here, I learned over the years, is that while you have read the parenting books and consulted the experts, your children haven't. They're operating off what their reflexes tell them. And for the most part, very few of us, adults included, are agreeable to not getting our own way. So, parenting back against the wall, you bribe. "If you come with Mommy, I'll get you a popsicle." "Give Daddy the book and we can play with your toys." Over the years, I've heard this referred to as the When...Then Rule or Grandma's Rule. When your child does X, then they will be rewarded with Y. Often it works. Anything that works tends to become part of your parenting repertoire. There are a couple problems here. Sometimes X is not a behavior that is out of the ordinary. It's a behavior you'd like to see your child do regularly, routinely--and without making a deal. (Sorry, Monty Hall). Short term behaviors can lead to long term behaviors. Just think about having a teenager who is accustomed to working the system in order to get his/her own way. But I do hear many parents say they use dealing because of its effectiveness. On a personal note, my son, Tom, has said that he would prefer I not write about his transgressions as a child on this blog. Heretofore, he has asked to be referred to as Toby.

Bribery does work. Fact of the matter is, it works on almost everyone, of almost every age, almost everywhere. People work hard at their jobs to earn a bonus. Kids behave in school to earn prizes, rewards, tokens, or points. Here's my take: I'm not so sure it's a bad thing that we're teaching kids to understand (at a rudimentary level at first, then in more complex ways as they get older) and appreciate the workings of an incentive plan. They're going to confront this thousands, maybe even millions, of times throughout their lives. Maybe there's even a piece of the incentive plan that helps kids (again, after a certain age) to learn about goal-setting and reward. Obviously, I ultimately want my child to learn to set goals according to his own priorities, then to feel an internal motivation to achieve them and the satisfaction of knowing that pride in his accomplishments is reward enough. But let's get real. He's not even two. For now, I think maybe setting a very small and achievable goal for him according to my priorities ("Sit down in your high chair and eat your broccoli so you can have some dessert."), then providing him the external motivation ("Mmmm, aren't those little trees yummy?"), and the subsequent reward ("Yay! You ate one-tenth of a gram of broccoli! How about half a cookie!") is maybe, maybe, hopefully setting him up to one day understand how goal-setting and goal-achieving works. And right now, that often times happens through bribery.

So, what do you think? Take our survey or leave us a comment.

Take the survey by Friday, August 21.

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Parenting Pearl 2: Playground Intervention..."Let them work it out for themselves"

Image courtesy of stock.xchng user mavvamp

This one has been on my mind a lot lately. Here's the situation: You're at the park/pool/public place of your choice and all of a sudden, you're witness to a PLAYGOUND ALTERCATION. The problem is this: If I see some kid pushing my child around, I can't just sit there and let him get bullied. Similarly, if he's the one doing the pushing, I can't just watch him bully another kid. The real problem, of course, is the fact that if Iwasn't there to intervene, the kids would just...work it out themselves.


This gets me to one of my biggest teaching pet peeves - when kids have absolutely no independent ability to (you guessed it) work it out themselves.


Cut back to the playgound. I watch situations like this unfold and my mind is immediately racing. Do I let this bigger kid push Luke around so that he can learn to solve problems on his own? Do I let Luke take the tricycle away from some other kid and figure she, too, needs to learn to deal with situations like this in life? Will I be able to explain my theory to her mom who's currently shooting me daggers before she tries to kick my ass? I honestly don't know the answers here.


I guess, this is where family (or friends who are as close as family) comes in. Teachers talk about being able to spot "only children" right off the bat, and I think this is a big part of it. When you're a parent of multiple children, you simply can't intervene in every little spat. Your kids learn to solve at least some of their problems independently because they simply have to. If you're lucky, you have siblings or close friends whose children you can be a little bit lax around. When Luke pushes down his female cousin, my brother and his wife don't automatically assume I'm a terrible parent. When he takes toys away from his male cousin, my brother-in-law and his wife barely notice. And, in turn, when the cousins steal Luke's ball, or knock him down, I pretend not to notice and try to tamp down my impulse to jump up and set things right.


Maybe when he's in first grade, his teacher will thank me...

For the record: I agree with Marcy. This is a tough one. I recall a conversation between Maggie and Bridget who were arguing about which one of them would get to play with the blonde Barbie (and yes, they had Barbies. Think what you will of me.) After a couple moments of verbal sparring, Maggie said, "We better figure this out because if we ask Mom, she'll put the Barbie on top of the refrigerator." At that time, with 4 children between the ages of 4 and 11, that was my standard response if they couldn't figure things out for themselves. And indeed, in that circumstance and others, they did develop a plan for sharing the desired doll. However, this type of dealing with conflict came after repeated parental mediation. Remember, discipline means to teach. Modeling and supplying young children with the words and then reinforcement for the appropriate behavior comes before they will do this spontaneously. Only one of the many parental tightropes we all walk...



So what do you think? How much do you intervene in playground squabbles? How much do you care what the other playground moms think of you when you don't? Take the survey, or leave us a comment! Come back to this site August 13 to see the results.

SURVEY RESULTS

Thanks to the 11 of you who took the survey! Here's what the survey said about playground altercations and letting kids work things out for themselves.

Only 1 respondent indicated their child had not been involved in a playground altercation.

54%: wait and watch to see if the child is capable of handling the situation alone
45%: move closer to the situation so that the children involved know there is an adult nearby
27%: say it probably depends if they know the parent of the child involved
27%: say it probably depends on the age of the children involved
18%: say it probably depends on if the child is bigger than their child/grandchild, etc.

54%: worry s/he is going to hurt someone else
45%: worry s/he will become dependent on an adult to fix all their problems
36%: worry s/he is going to be hurt
27%: worry what other adults in the vicinity will think about them
18%: worry what other adults in the vicinity will think about their child/grandchild, etc.

According to survey respondents, there is much for children to learn about playground altercations:

"They learn how to deal with uncomfortable/frustrating situations."

"Boundaries, compromise, sharing, self preservation, kindness in conflict etc."

"Depends on the circumstance. If all goes well, then compromise and the art of negotiation. If not, recovering from something that didn't turn out as planned - which isn't a bad lesson either."

"Conflict resolution skills and to trust their own abilities rather than always running to me for help."

"It really bothers me when parents think that toddlers can 'work' things out. They have a very limited ability to handle conflict and the complexity it takes to make the right decision is absent until around age 4. My biggest pet peeve is when adults place high expectations on children who have only lived very little time on this earth. Urgh."

"How to resolve issues by sharing , listening to the needs ( wants of others )."

"They have power they can use in a good way when they resolve a conflict."

"Real life methods of handling different situations. It's hard sometimes, but I think letting them have a little autonomy here (within reason) is the best way to learn how to handle situations. They can always be discussed later so you can interject your perspective and have an opportunity to 'teach.'"

"It usually comes down to learning what it means to share."

"I don't always get my way.
We can work this out and keep having fun, or we can let the grownups break it up and go home early."

What's a parent to do? Some well-regarded resources on this topic include:Raising a Thinking Child: Help Your Young Child to Resolve Everyday Conflicts and Get Along with Others by Myrna Shure and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo and The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso

I was somewhat taken aback that survey respondents indicated they were concerned about what other parents thought about them or what other parents would think about their children. Actually this was a good reminder to me that really we are seldom unconcerned about our public persona--what I call your public parenting.

Being a parent is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult, jobs in the world. That we do it out in the open in so many different and varied arenas makes it all the more challenging. And whether we care to admit it, we do both judge what other parents do (and don't do) as well as feel judged by others.

I heard Barry Brazelton once tell a great story about his own less than stellar public parenting conducted at Filene's Department Store in Boston. He used the story to encourage the audience to be gentle and supportive with others engaged in 'judgeable' public parenting practices.

Let's consider this, then: the next time you see someone who's public parenting skills are being put to the test, catch their eye and smile. Or share a kind word. "I've been in the same situation. It's tough, isn't it?" often works. Maybe it will spread. What do they say about lighting a single candle?

I like my mom's classic line about public parenting. She says that before she had children, she would often see a child screaming or crying in a public place and think to herself, "That poor child. What is that wicked mother doing to her?" After having children, the thinking changed to, "That poor mother. What is that wicked child doing to her?"

It is, unfortunately, so easy to judge what we see other people doing, especially when we see someone pull a parenting move that we wouldn't use or "disapprove" of. But I think it all comes back to remembering that each person is the expert on his or her own family. You know what works for your kids and what's best for them...probably the mom glaring at her child in Aisle 3 does too.