Parenting Pearl 2: Playground Intervention..."Let them work it out for themselves"

Image courtesy of stock.xchng user mavvamp

This one has been on my mind a lot lately. Here's the situation: You're at the park/pool/public place of your choice and all of a sudden, you're witness to a PLAYGOUND ALTERCATION. The problem is this: If I see some kid pushing my child around, I can't just sit there and let him get bullied. Similarly, if he's the one doing the pushing, I can't just watch him bully another kid. The real problem, of course, is the fact that if Iwasn't there to intervene, the kids would just...work it out themselves.


This gets me to one of my biggest teaching pet peeves - when kids have absolutely no independent ability to (you guessed it) work it out themselves.


Cut back to the playgound. I watch situations like this unfold and my mind is immediately racing. Do I let this bigger kid push Luke around so that he can learn to solve problems on his own? Do I let Luke take the tricycle away from some other kid and figure she, too, needs to learn to deal with situations like this in life? Will I be able to explain my theory to her mom who's currently shooting me daggers before she tries to kick my ass? I honestly don't know the answers here.


I guess, this is where family (or friends who are as close as family) comes in. Teachers talk about being able to spot "only children" right off the bat, and I think this is a big part of it. When you're a parent of multiple children, you simply can't intervene in every little spat. Your kids learn to solve at least some of their problems independently because they simply have to. If you're lucky, you have siblings or close friends whose children you can be a little bit lax around. When Luke pushes down his female cousin, my brother and his wife don't automatically assume I'm a terrible parent. When he takes toys away from his male cousin, my brother-in-law and his wife barely notice. And, in turn, when the cousins steal Luke's ball, or knock him down, I pretend not to notice and try to tamp down my impulse to jump up and set things right.


Maybe when he's in first grade, his teacher will thank me...

For the record: I agree with Marcy. This is a tough one. I recall a conversation between Maggie and Bridget who were arguing about which one of them would get to play with the blonde Barbie (and yes, they had Barbies. Think what you will of me.) After a couple moments of verbal sparring, Maggie said, "We better figure this out because if we ask Mom, she'll put the Barbie on top of the refrigerator." At that time, with 4 children between the ages of 4 and 11, that was my standard response if they couldn't figure things out for themselves. And indeed, in that circumstance and others, they did develop a plan for sharing the desired doll. However, this type of dealing with conflict came after repeated parental mediation. Remember, discipline means to teach. Modeling and supplying young children with the words and then reinforcement for the appropriate behavior comes before they will do this spontaneously. Only one of the many parental tightropes we all walk...



So what do you think? How much do you intervene in playground squabbles? How much do you care what the other playground moms think of you when you don't? Take the survey, or leave us a comment! Come back to this site August 13 to see the results.

SURVEY RESULTS

Thanks to the 11 of you who took the survey! Here's what the survey said about playground altercations and letting kids work things out for themselves.

Only 1 respondent indicated their child had not been involved in a playground altercation.

54%: wait and watch to see if the child is capable of handling the situation alone
45%: move closer to the situation so that the children involved know there is an adult nearby
27%: say it probably depends if they know the parent of the child involved
27%: say it probably depends on the age of the children involved
18%: say it probably depends on if the child is bigger than their child/grandchild, etc.

54%: worry s/he is going to hurt someone else
45%: worry s/he will become dependent on an adult to fix all their problems
36%: worry s/he is going to be hurt
27%: worry what other adults in the vicinity will think about them
18%: worry what other adults in the vicinity will think about their child/grandchild, etc.

According to survey respondents, there is much for children to learn about playground altercations:

"They learn how to deal with uncomfortable/frustrating situations."

"Boundaries, compromise, sharing, self preservation, kindness in conflict etc."

"Depends on the circumstance. If all goes well, then compromise and the art of negotiation. If not, recovering from something that didn't turn out as planned - which isn't a bad lesson either."

"Conflict resolution skills and to trust their own abilities rather than always running to me for help."

"It really bothers me when parents think that toddlers can 'work' things out. They have a very limited ability to handle conflict and the complexity it takes to make the right decision is absent until around age 4. My biggest pet peeve is when adults place high expectations on children who have only lived very little time on this earth. Urgh."

"How to resolve issues by sharing , listening to the needs ( wants of others )."

"They have power they can use in a good way when they resolve a conflict."

"Real life methods of handling different situations. It's hard sometimes, but I think letting them have a little autonomy here (within reason) is the best way to learn how to handle situations. They can always be discussed later so you can interject your perspective and have an opportunity to 'teach.'"

"It usually comes down to learning what it means to share."

"I don't always get my way.
We can work this out and keep having fun, or we can let the grownups break it up and go home early."

What's a parent to do? Some well-regarded resources on this topic include:Raising a Thinking Child: Help Your Young Child to Resolve Everyday Conflicts and Get Along with Others by Myrna Shure and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo and The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso

I was somewhat taken aback that survey respondents indicated they were concerned about what other parents thought about them or what other parents would think about their children. Actually this was a good reminder to me that really we are seldom unconcerned about our public persona--what I call your public parenting.

Being a parent is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult, jobs in the world. That we do it out in the open in so many different and varied arenas makes it all the more challenging. And whether we care to admit it, we do both judge what other parents do (and don't do) as well as feel judged by others.

I heard Barry Brazelton once tell a great story about his own less than stellar public parenting conducted at Filene's Department Store in Boston. He used the story to encourage the audience to be gentle and supportive with others engaged in 'judgeable' public parenting practices.

Let's consider this, then: the next time you see someone who's public parenting skills are being put to the test, catch their eye and smile. Or share a kind word. "I've been in the same situation. It's tough, isn't it?" often works. Maybe it will spread. What do they say about lighting a single candle?

I like my mom's classic line about public parenting. She says that before she had children, she would often see a child screaming or crying in a public place and think to herself, "That poor child. What is that wicked mother doing to her?" After having children, the thinking changed to, "That poor mother. What is that wicked child doing to her?"

It is, unfortunately, so easy to judge what we see other people doing, especially when we see someone pull a parenting move that we wouldn't use or "disapprove" of. But I think it all comes back to remembering that each person is the expert on his or her own family. You know what works for your kids and what's best for them...probably the mom glaring at her child in Aisle 3 does too.

Parenting Pearl 1: To Cry, or Not To Cry...That is the Question

"Let him cry it out. Even though the cries sound grating, crying for a prolonged period won't hurt the baby." Heard that one? How about this? "The No Cry Sleep Solution." To both of these, I say, "Ha. Wanna spend the night?"

I remember spending the first six weeks of Luke's life marveling at how nocturnal he was. During the day, I couldn't wake him up for a feeding, and at night, all he wanted to do was be awake...and cry. My own personal solution lay somewhere between the two extremes above. Although I longed for a "no cry sleep solution," crying between the hours of midnight and 3 am was too passionate of a hobby for my kiddo. That said, I absolutely couldn't bear the thought of leaving him alone in his crib crying for what would have been 2-3 solid hours per night.

So, I held him while he cried, I tried to soothe him to sleep, I let my husband walk him in circles around the dining room table while running the vacuum cleaner, and when our arms were too exhausted to hold him anymore or I thought I was going to start crying too, I laid him down in his crib. Mostly, I just tried to cope until he turned six weeks old, the age at which Marc Weissbluth, MD and child sleep expert, says that babies magically start to cry less and want to fall asleep earlier.

And miraculously, it worked...gradually. First, he started his crying earlier, then he ended it sooner. At some point, he was falling asleep around 9 pm and sleeping until 6 or 7 in the morning.

Now that Luke is an older baby, I put a little more emphasis on "bedtime" (though it's still a case of hitting a moving target) and "bedtime ritual" (again, fuzzy at best) and when I know he's tired and needs to go to sleep, I put him in his crib. Sometimes, he (amazingly!) lies down, says "buh-bye" to me, and goes to sleep. Other times, he has a different opinion about bedtime and he needs to cry for five, ten, fifteen minutes. And I let him. Not because I love him less than when he was a little baby, but because I know his habits are more well-developed, I know his signals about tired vs. hungry, and I know he needs his sleep and will drift off within a half-hour.

For the record: Before Molly was born, I read somewhere that you should rock the baby to sleep, then put her in the crib. Being an ardent believer in the power of the written word, I tried this for six weeks. Molly fussed and squirmed and I was frustrated. Finally my husband suggested we try just putting her in the crib. I do remember she looked up at us as if to say, "Thank you. This is what I wanted all along." Naturally I expected Tom would follow this pattern but, naturally, it didn't work that way. He slept through the night when he was five...YEARS...old; however, today he would list 'sleeping' as one of his hobbies. Maggie slept wherever you put her and at six months would dive from our arms into her crib. And, God's truth, I don't really remember too much about putting Bridget down which probably means I was a) seriously distracted by the older kids b) she fell asleep on her own or c) a combination of a and b.

What do you think about the crying it out thing? Let us know in a comment, or take our survey. You can come back to the website after August 12 to see the survey results and our comments and suggestions.

And...do you have a Parenting Pearl you'd like us to throw out to the blogging world? Leave that for us in a comment and we'll get on it!

SURVEY RESULTS
To steal a line from Survivor, the tribe has spoken--well, at least the seven of you who took time to complete the survey, for which we thank you! Here's what the survey said about letting a baby cry it out.

29%: letting a baby cry it out is effective
29%: letting a baby cry it out is not effective
43%: depends on the age of the baby
1 comment: "It may be effective but I don't believe it is good practice."

29%: have been successful in letting a baby cry it out
71%: have not been successful in letting a baby cry it out

29%: have recommended to a friend letting a baby cry it out
71%: have not made this recommendation

100%: heard this Pearl of Wisdom from someone
1 comment: Lots of friends, lots of books... but we haven't. Our 17-month-old is just learning to fall asleep in her crib on her own.

What's a parent to do? Some well-regarded resources on this topic include:The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley and William Sears; Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth; Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems: New, Revised, and Expanded Edition by Richard Ferber.

As the survey results demonstrate, there is no magic formula to get an infant to sleep through the night. (Don't we wish there was?) You and your baby will continually be working on approaches until you find something that is successful. Occasionally just as you believe you've stumbled onto a way that works for everyone, your baby changes his/her mind and you're back to square one.

You can help your baby sleep by staying calm and establishing routine and rituals surrounding bedtime. The staying calm part can be particularly challenging when you're sleep deprived but babies will pick up emotional cues from you. In advance of bedtime, quiet down your interactions with your baby to prevent overstimulating her. Change diapers (and this is the most serene diaper change of the day) and put your baby in jammies before the routine and ritual begins. This gives your baby a chance to adjust to his new clothing and to regulate his body temperature.

The bedtime routine can be simple--for example, a walk around the baby's bedroom to gently say goodnight to stuffed animals or photos of family members. The ritual can be a special song you sing to the baby, a lovey or other soother that comes out only at bedtime/naptime so your baby makes a positive association with that and going to sleep. (Beware the pacifier! If the baby spits it out, s/he cannot get it back into his/her mouth.)

Doesn't that sound peaceful? And if you're a sleep deprived parent, you're probably saying, "Yes! Yes! Why doesn't it work?"

Because you're the one reading this blog, not your baby:)

Welcome to Parenting Pearls of Wisdom!

Welcome to Parenting Pearls of Wisdom! Wherever you are on the parenting spectrum--expecting, brand new to the wonderful world of parenting, a veteran of the parenting adventure, a grandparent--we plan for this to be a great place for you. Here you will be able to respond to parenting "pearls of wisdom," share your own experiences, ask for advice on the "pearls" that have been dropped on you--or ones you drop yourself. We'll also add information and research from a variety of resources to help you explore the parenting approaches that might work best for your family.

If you're like, oh, every other parent out there, you're not simultaneously an expert in education, emergency medicine, child psychology, and couples' therapy. But you are the authority on your own family, and you're the one that can make the right choices for them. We aren't here to tell you what to do. We're here to tell you about what other people have tried, why it worked or didn't, and what the research says. We hope that somewhere in these "pearls," you'll find the information that helps you decide what's right for you.

In addition to writing comments, we will be offering you the chance to share your thoughts through Survey Monkey, a quick and anonymous survey tool that allows you to see how many other readers share your opinions. Once the survey responses are tabulated, you can come back to this blog and see the results.

So read on, then leave a comment, ask a question, or take a survey. The more feedback we get, the more we can personalize this site and give you the information you want.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Mary, BA, MEd, Licensed Parent Educator, is the voice of the veteran parent. She has been working with and for children and families of all ages for over thirty years. Mary began her career as a high school Language Arts teacher and Reading Specialist. She taught childbirth education classes for sixteen years and was a trainer for the International Childbirth Education Association during that time. Mary is a Licensed Parent Educator in the state of Minnesota. She currently is Manager of Youth and Family Services Programs for the St. Louis Park (MN) Schools. Most importantly, Mary and her husband, Dan, are parents of 4 adult children: Molly, 31; Tom, 29 and his wife, Kitty, 28; Maggie, 27 and Bridget, 24.

Marcy, BA, MST, is the voice of the new and clueless parent. She started her career in magazine publishing, then jumped ship for the world of education. After earning a Master of Science in Teaching, she began teaching at a private elementary school in Des Moines, Iowa. She is currently in her fourth year there. Even more fun than playing with 7-year-olds all day is coming home to husband Marty (a middle school teacher) and son Luke, 20 months.