Final call for the survey on "Learning to Lose"

FINAL CALL! Please take the survey on "Learning to Lose" by Sunday, September 20. Thanks for your great ideas and responses!

Pearl #5: Teach Your Children to Lose... Without Being Losers

Learning to be a gracious winner is important, but I think learning to be a gracious loser is far more so. Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that you adopt the Black Sox as childhood heroes or anything, but kids need to realize that, while setting high expectations is a good thing, they're sometimes going to come up short. And that shouldn't be a crippling blow.

I heard Arlene DeVries, a wonderful parenting speaker, present on this topic once. Her larger topic was Parenting the Gifted Child, which I'm sure applies to everyone else, but you'll have to forgive me for overgeneralizing to my child. The truth is, so much of what she said is just good, sound advice for any kid. One of her messages was the importance of having family game nights, during which you should (gasp!) not always let your child beat you at said game. Learning that they don't always win the game is a good social skill - it will help them as they figure out how to play nicely with friends, and it will help them later in life as they begin to set goals and sometimes, unfortunately, don't achieve them and need to try again. We can all relate to the pain of losing out on something. For those of you slightly more athletically inclined than me, maybe you had a bad game, or simply faced a more skilled competitor, and didn't medal when you knew you really, truly had a shot. I remember the first time I didn't get a job that I knew I was qualified for and I really, really wanted. Sure it upset me. It made me mad, and it made me cry a bit, and I treated myself to a little pity party. But it didn't break me.

I know a child whose parents are the highly-driven, type-A style parents who take competition to a huge extreme. I often wonder what happens when his 95% isn't good enough, because his parents expect 100%. I wonder if he's headed for a complete meltdown when he gets to college and he's suddenly thrust into a much larger pond with so many smarter and more talented fish than he's accustomed to. I wonder if there's even any pure joy in the accomplishment of a new feat, or only the relief that that he didn't lose something he was expected to win.

DeVries, the speaker I heard, also linked this idea to two interesting tangents. After women's participation in college sports spiked due to Title IX, women's inclusion and achievements in the workplace started to follow suit. Not to say that there aren't other factors going on, but athletes regularly learn the lesson of losing, examining the shortfalls in a given performance, then coming back stronger than before. As those same female athletes entered the workforce, they learned that just because something was denied them once didn't mean they wouldn't achieve it in the future. You didn't get the promotion you wanted? Go back, examine your past performance, and step it up a notch so you can win the next round.

I like the idea of that being rooted in something as simple as a family game night. I will have family game night, when Luke is old enough to understand the concept. And I'm psyched because I'm pretty sure I'll be able to kick his 3-year-old butt at Scrabble.

Loved Marcy's comment about Luke being gifted. And she will kick his butt--and Luke's dad's--at Scrabble.
Kids can turn everything--and they often do--into a competition. Who can get to the car first? Who can eat the fastest? Who can kick the can the furthest? In fact, this is a good technique to use with children who are hesitant to cooperate: "Let's see who can put on their shoes the fastest, you or Mommy." Winner! And we all love to be winners, children and adults alike. Didn't you proudly share your child's Apgar score with everyone who would listen? Of course you did--I should put that in the survey :). No one wants to be labeled a loser, even seconds after birth.

On the other hand, and unfortunately youth sports has earned its poor reputation in this regard, as parents who love their children and don't want them to experience the hurt of losing sometimes go to the extreme to protect them. Perhaps you've been on the bleachers or sidelines when that has happened. It's uncomfortable for the bystanders yet seldom do bystanders step forward to stop the parents who are "out of control." The social dynamic is very interesting as is the culture surrounding youth sports. So the premise of teaching your child to lose without being a loser is not one that many parents can easily embrace.

I have to say, some of the best experiences in my children's lives have been ones where they failed. They looked to me and their dad for some loving and then to help them outline their options now that what they had wanted was no longer a possibility. Personally I think this has not only made them stronger internally but has finely tuned their empathy skills. Our parental job in those situations was to help them recognize the skills they did have that they could now call on. We reinforced that they were strong, capable and could, as the old song says, pick themselves up, dust themselves off and start all over again. Isn't that what each new day is for?

What do you think? Do you help your kid win because it hurts to watch them lose? Do you help them learn about how to lose graciously? Are we way off base? Leave us a comment, or take the survey now!

What does the survey say: putting up a united front

Thanks to the 6 of you who took the survey! Here's what you had to say about putting up a united front.

50% said they agreed with their spouse 80% of the time.
16% said they agreed with their spouse 70% of the time.
33% said they agreed with their spouse less than 50% of the time.

84% said they agreed with their spouse about health related issues.
66% said they agreed about safety issues.
50% said they agreed about schedules, routines and developmental expectations of their children.
33% said they agreed about discipline.

60% said they disagreed with their spouse about routines, discipline and developmental expectations of their children.
40% said they disagreed about schedules.
20% said they disagreed about health and safety issues.

These are the situations you find most challenging to support the differences of opinions:
"Issues with his own family"
"All areas we disagree on when not consulted; if one, safety"
"Discipline"
"Going to his family's functions"
"Bedtime routines (quiet book reading vs. TV watching)"
"Who comes first, the parent or the child"

Did you ever inadvertently undermine your spouse?
1 said no
1 said not applicable
"When saying to a child they can do something when the other parent said no. We try more to consult each other alone before speaking with the children."
"Asking to leave his parents house earlier than he wanted for bedtime."
"I'm sure I have, although I'm sure I don't want to remember the circumstances of being the guilty party..."
"My spouse had the habit of not following through with promises to the kids. Usually I would step in and "make it better" for him because I didn't want the kids to be disappointed. But once, out of frustration, I let my spouse fall and ratted him out to the disappointed child, telling him he needed to talk to his dad because it was Dad who hadn't brought home what he had promised. So my son called Dad, who asked to talk to me after my son talked to him. My spouse was really angry with me but I told him it was his problem and his issue to resolve, not mine. That did change things pretty much. My spouse was more trustworthy to the kids, which I think is really important in their relationship."

Good Parents Bad Parenting - How To Parent Together When Your Parenting Styles Are Worlds Apart by Lisa Dunning is a resource you might want to look at.

Just a plain old pearl you should know about: The 40 Developmental Assets for Children

I am privileged to work in a community that really values its children. And when you work in that community's school district, that's no small thing to say. St. Louis Park, Minnesota is a first ring western suburb of Minneapolis. For the third straight year, it has been named one of America's 100 Best Communities for Children. This spring, St. Louis Park High School was listed as the top high school in Minnesota, just barely below the nation's top 100 high schools, in Newsweek magazine.

Of course there are many contributing factors to the accolades but I do think a significant one is an initiative which began here in the spring of 1993. St. Louis Park began transforming how the community viewed its young people. Children First was born out of a partnership among the education, faith, city, health and business communities. The continuing focus of this partnership is to encourage everyone in the community to find ways that make sense to them to help in the healthy development of our infants, children and teens.What makes Children First different is

• It's a philosophy rather than a program.
• It focuses on positive character-building attributes, not negative, at-risk behavior.
• It targets all St. Louis Park youth, birth through 18 year-olds.
• It was founded by a partnership between the business, city, education, health and faith communities.
• It calls everyone to provide support for youth.

Community members do this by championing the Search Institute's 40 Developmental Assets with young people. You WILL want to click on the Search Institute to read about the assets and see how much sense this makes and how helpful it will be for you as a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, really anyone who at any time comes in contact with children.

And it's simple. All you have to do is ask yourself: How am I involved where I could make a difference in the lives of young people? And then do it. Smile at the next teenager you see in the mall. Say hello to one of the other babies you see on the playground. Spend a second to ask one of your children's friends, "How's it going?" No special equipment required.

We'd really love to hear from you how you institute this in your lives. Post a comment!

On a personal note--I had been meaning to write this plain old pearl for a while. Today I'm writing in honor of a real Asset Champion (see Children First link for more information), my dear friend and secretary, Marilyn Braaten, who passed away unexpectedly on Friday morning. She embodied absolutely everything that the philosophy of Children First stands for. All of us in St. Louis Park, and those who knew her in many places, are so much the richer for having had her build assets in our lives.

Putting Up a United Front Survey

Since we've had trouble getting the survey link active, we're going to extend the deadline for survey taking until Friday, September 4. Spread the word to others to check out the blog!

Still working on that survey!

I've heard you might be having trouble accessing the survey, so here's a link you can copy and paste into your browser. Hopefully that will help!

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=SsPwsZathYd10NPem1eY0g_3d_3d

Pearl #4: "You Have to Put Up a Unified Front": Being a Partner to Your Partner

Image courtesy of stock.xchng user gabivali

This is such a tricky one. I remember when I was pregnant with Luke sitting with my husband and talking about things we thought were important in parenting. I was telling him how strongly I felt that we act as a team, even when we don't necessarily agree with each other. That didn't come back to bite me in the ass until Luke was a whole 5 hours old, and the pediatrician at the hospital asked about the circumcision. I had previously told Marty that was his area and he could make the call about it, but as soon as I had this perfect, wonderful little baby in my arms, the idea that someone wanted to cut even a tiny little piece of him off was beyond unbearable. I just couldn't let them do it. I couldn't put him under the knife. So, we decided to wait a week or so.

The week passed and I wasn't able to do it. Then two months, then six. And the whole time, I'm hearing my obnoxiously optimistic words ringing in my head: "Even when we disagree, even when we feel strongly, we have to support each other." Yowch...

My whole point is, acting like a unified team is really, really hard and it takes conscious effort and COMMUNICATION. Sometimes it's the big decisions. It's sensing when your partner feels so strongly about something that you just have to give. Other times, it's remembering to compromise (even though you're sure your way is right). Often, it's a matter of biting your tongue and not snidely saying, "Of course you had chocolate cake for breakfast. Daddy was the breakfast parent today." (Confession - I'm the one who actually pulled that on vacation last week. Whoops...)

Kids sense really quickly how easy it is to play one parent against the other. When dad gives an answer they don't like, then mom offhandedly gives the opposite answer because she didn't bother to think what dad might have already said, kids realize they have the power to set you up into a good cop/bad cop routine. And it's not fair to the parent who always has to be the voice of reason, the eat-your-vegetables, take-your-bath, go-to-bed parent. Especially when the other parent always gets to be the wrestle-on-the-couch, go-out-for-ice-cream, stay-up-and-watch-a-movie parent.

And if it's hard for two parents living in the same house to remember to stay on the same page, how hard is it for separated parents living apart? I have huge admiration for divorced parents who are able to put their own anger, hurt, and bad feelings aside and focus on the common task of raising a child(ren) that they share. I've seen so many sad cases where parents can't even be in the same room for their kids' band concerts, school plays, graduations, and even weddings. But there are tons of divorced parents and stepparents out there making it work, if not seamlessly, then at least smoothly. Upholding the same rules and the same consequences for breaking them. Jointly deciding on privileges to be earned and the criteria to earn them. Wow - what a feat that is.

Wow! Talk about tackling the big, GIGANTIC issues head on. Let me first don my "Licensed Parent Educator" hat. Consistency is key for children of all ages. I often taught about the value of having routine within a circle of flexibility. Regardless of how hard you try, no two situations are going to be the same. So while you can easily discuss away from the situation how you are, as a team, going to act and react, reality as we know can be quite challenging. As Marcy said, it's one thing to "chat" teamwork, it's quite another in execution.

Be that as it may, let's focus on what's in the best interest of the children. Their eyes are trained upon you. They literally drink in what you do, how you do it, what you say, your body language...it's kind of overwhelming, isn't it? (My son, Tom, er, TOBY, used to tell me that I didn't have to say anything when he was sharing some tidbit that was upsetting. My facial expression spoke volumes.) So you can't hide under "the kids don't get it" or "they're not aware" when you disagree on issues. They do.

You're not always going to see everything the same way, nor should you. Healthy, open, respectful communication about your disagreements can lead to a place where you both will find some level of agreement. This is extremely important to model to your children as they will leave your home (someday, the heavens willing) imprinted with how people who love each other--and love them--deal with conflict (important, I think, for divorced parents to consider.).

I will come down on this side of the fence: on the "big ticket" items, like discipline, values, faith, you should work toward agreement and then commit to your family that you will try your very best every time to follow this promise. Routines, like Marcy's example of the breakfast parent? Go back to routine within a circle of flexibility. Barbara Coloroso (www.kidsareworthit.com) asks us to consider: "If it works and it leaves both of our dignity intact, do it."

On those moments when my husband didn't do what I wanted him to do (and there were more than a few over the 31 + years that we've been parents), I wasn't happy. It took a lot of work and support to get me to a place where I finally realized he wasn't doing those things on purpose just to get my goat. Just like me, he was doing the best he could every day. Now there were a few things I drew a line at and we had to work on those over and over and over again. And to my surprise, lo and behold, there were some things I was doing that he wanted to talk with me about, too! Such is the institution of marriage and the family.

So what do you think? Leave us a comment or take our survey.